Oh, Charmin Ultra Strong toilet paper with Diamond Weave texture, why do you have to feel so good? You're strong and sensitive, yet not mealy in the least; when I'm done with you, you leave no trace. I can forget about you until I need you again.
But, Charmin Ultra Strong, you come with a price. And I'm not just talking about the $4.99 price tag you were sporting last time I picked you up at the bodega.
No, you're deceiving. You look big and substantive, because you're so thick. But whittle away a few layers of your cushy façade, and I'm sometimes left stranded, dirty and desperate. Out of nowhere! And now that I think about it, you only really come around when I'm doing well, financially. You always make me think you're in it for the long haul, but like a scared little boy, you run out just when I need you most. These are the times I turn to Scott. He may be cheap, and he may not treat me as well as you do when we're alone, but at least he's reliable. Even when I'm broke, he's there.
All your faults aside, I just can't let you go, Charmin Ultra Strong. Because if I ever lose my shit, I'll be the type to spend two years on the toilet, as opposed to jumping off a bridge or smoking crack. And Scott will only make my life more miserable. It will be those private moments between us that keep me going, Charmin. So in the end, I'm glad to have you on my side.