As if Black Friday wasn't dark enough, now we have to deal with this 21-year-old and his herky-jerky, covert self-love at all-American retail outlets like WalMart and Barnes and Noble. Dude, STOP!!! We know that by giving you attention, you are going to feel encouraged to keep pulling and poking, but it's time for someone to step in and take the wind out of your sail. Didn't anyone ever tell you that choking the Cornish game hen will make your palms hairy and eventually, right after the door knob falls off, you'll go blind? Your grandmother was right. In fact, from now on, you must ALWAYS listen to your grandmother. Unless your grandmother is this woman. In that case, you can listen to our grandmother. She has a really good stance on the whole compulsive public masturbation thing.