As Paramount slowly dribbles out information on who will be involved in its megagabudgeted toy adaptation and why, we eagerly make note of each new announcment and work it into a complex mathematical formula that will help the Screengrab to scientifically determine whether it will merely stink, stink on ice, stink to high heaven, totally reek, or actually be just good enough to sneak in and catch five minutes of on the way to the snack bar. (Your humble author is particularly interested as to the potential quality or lack thereof of G.I. Joe, since it is set to release on his 40th birthday, and he is anxious to learn whether going to see it will constitute a celebration or a punishment.)
So, based on what we know so far, how bad is it likely to be?
ONLY SORT OF BAD: The screenplay is being written by Stuart Beattie, who has done acceptable blockbuster work in the Pirates of the Caribbean series and in 30 Days of Night.
PRETTY BAD: A previous version of the script was written by the man responsible for Swordfish.
BAD: The director is Stephen Sommers, who brought us all three Mummy films and Van Helsing. And Van Helsing was really, really bad.
QUITE BAD: Sienna Miller, who is not nearly as good an actress as Sienna Miller thinks she is, is involved. So is Rachel Nichols, who holds the astonishing distinction of making Alias viewers long for the return of Jennifer Garner's mastery of the thespian arts.
NOT SO BAD: Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, who was perfectly fine in Lost and Oz is in the cast.
ACTUALLY GOOD: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, one of the finest young actors in Hollywood, is also in the cast.
ALARMINGLY, IRREDEEMABLY BAD: Marlon Wayans, who is two billion times more bad than Joseph Gordon-Levitt is good, has a leading role.