An ongoing investigation into the traffic in steroids and HGH (human growth hormone) has yielded some unexpected names, according to reports in the New York Times and elsewhere. Rather than the usual litany of fair-to-middling baseball players, the most frequently cited figures in the latest probe are entertainers — specifically, rappers like 50 Cent, Timbaland, and (inexplicably) Mary J. Blige. We're not the only ones to be a bit stymied at why a musician would need to take 'roids; while, admittedly, they're cheaper than a personal trainer if you want to hulk out the way Timbo has of late, a personal trainer can only symbolically shrivel your generative organs while shouting motivational slogans at you, rather than literally causing them to curl up and wither on the vine the way steroids can.
If there was one name above all others that was a shocker in this witch hunt ongoing investigation, it was alleged funnyman and beloved chitlin-circuit institution Tyler Perry, the writer/director/star of many a boffo slapstick hit on the urban theater scene and the creator of Madea, the most widely beloved overweight transvestite since Dame Edna Everidge. Tyler isn't noticably buff, his schtick, physical as it is, doesn't seem any more physically demanding than any other theatrical or television work, and he certainly doesn't rely on power-blasted shirtless photos to sell his product. Maybe the fat suit just isn't doing it for him anymore? At any rate, it'll be curious to see how his many fans react to the news; they're a tremendously devoted lot, but on the other hand, unlike any number of bad-boy rappers one could name, Perry's act depends quite heavily on his image as a devout Christian, and his Madea plays as well as his other films and theatrical presentations rely strongly on a traditionalist morality.
Of course, he might be able to rely on the fact that HGH isn't illegal to own or sell. Which brings us to that all-too-often begged question here at the height of anti-steroid mania: if HGH is legal, and if there was no rule (as there wasn''t) against taking steroids at the time most of the players named in the Mitchell Report were implicated, why keep naming names? If no one is likely to face jail time (and no one is, with the exception of baseball's designated scapegoat Barry Bonds), what's the big deal?