Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.
I don't like to feel sorry for myself when I'm writing up these Unwatchable entries. I took this task on voluntarily, and I'm determined to see it through, so there's no point whining about it. I'll just say this: nobody's life should have this many zombie movies in it. OK, maybe George Romero is an exception, but at least he's made a good living at it. Me, I've got at least one SXSW zombie movie on deck later this week, and now this...thing.
I'll give Zombie Nightmare this much: it's an old school, voodoo-based zombie movie, which makes it a change of pace from all the apocalyptic walking dead flicks we've been bombarded with of late. Jon Mikl Thor stars as Tony Washington, a hulking, heavily mulleted young man who favors ripped muscle shirts that flatter his well-oiled physique. If you remember the Barbarian Brothers, well, picture one of them. I'm not sure which.
After busting up a liquor store robbery with a baseball bat, Tony is unceremoniously flattened by a carload of joyriding teens. His grieving mother summons the local voodoo priestess, who reluctantly transforms the late lad into an undead vengeance machine. Zombie Tony makes the rounds, tracking down the unrepentent young people who caused his demise and returning the favor. The local police captain (Adam West) is content to pin the crimes on a scuzzy punk rocker, but the murders continue until the fresh-faced young cop tracks Zombie Tony down at the warehouse where he's cornered his latest victims.
Anyone nostalgic for slow zombies will find what they're looking for here, but sadly, Zombie Tony's sluggish pace has infected the entire movie surrounding him. Adam West fans shouldn't get too excited either, as TV's Batman has limited screen time (although he does eventually get dragged into hell). Those of you who can't get enough of '80s fashions, hairstyles, heavy metal (including incidental music by the star's band Thor as well as powerful synthesizer riffs by "Thorkestra") and Tia Carrere (the actress, not the band) may be able to salvage some entertainment value from Zombie Nightmare, but I wouldn't count on it.
Previously on Unwatchable:
43. American Ninja V
44. Leonard Part 6
45. Another 9 1/2 Weeks
46. 3 Ninjas: High Noon on Mega Mountain
47. Creepshow 3