Adam Sandler, buddy, friend, listen: You are old. We had some good times together back in seventh grade, with Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore, but the further you’ve gone with funny voices over the past ten years, the worse things have gotten. You as an ex-Israeli-soldier-come-hair-stylist is actually not a bad premise. Certainly an improvement over you and that dude from King of Queens getting married. It’s the Leslie-Nielsen-style physical comedy that has me concerned. And Rob Schneider. Did that guy save your life back in the day or something? Why are you still hanging out with him?! — John Constantine