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Last Night’s “Top Chef”: WTF, WTF, WTF

Posted by Nicole Ankowski



Last night the Top Chef final four continued their culinary battling in beautiful Puerto Rico. Hogs were slaughtered (sad!). Padma looked resplendent. Gail’s hair was distractingly gorgeous. And then the unthinkable happened…

Well, first Stephanie, Richard and Antonia basically expressed what we’re all thinking: what is Lisa still doing on the show? Is she secretly a genius, and the Magical Elves editors have hidden her amazing skills? Are the producers keeping her around to cause trouble with her infamous bad attitude? No one knows!

Let’s fast-forward a bit: Puerto Rico, Lisa cut her hair (cute!), plantains, bald chefs, market shopping, Malta soft drinks, the butchering of entire hogs, Stephanie recovering after Dale leaves the pork out all night, a fancy dinner party/competition and then...


…undercooked beans?!

Antonia undercooked her beans. So she and Lisa (everyone saw that coming) were in the bottom two.
And then..whaaa? Whaaaa? How? Wherefore? The judges sent Antonia home!

Of course, earlier in the show when Antonia told the cameras, “My daughter said ‘don’t come home unless you win,’” we thought “nooooooo.” Don’t do it, Bravo. Don’t set her up like that, and then make her fall. You couldn’t be that cruel, could you Top Chef Chicago film editors?

Yes. Yes they could. And they are. Cruel, heartless, incomprehensible bastards.

And then, after Antonia gracefully exits, Lisa goes back to find an exhausted and saddened Stephanie and Richard sitting on those little metal folding chairs the show always has them sit on. (Yet another form of torture.) Stephanie and Richard are obviously upset that their friend Antonia left. And Lisa then pissily accuses them of not congratulating her for…coming in third?

Well, it will be interesting season finale. Who do we think will win: Stephanie, Richard, or…yeah, just those two?

Here are Antonia’s exit interviews:





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Lindy Parker has worked as a ghostwriter, editor, dance instructor and a purveyor of dreams, one beer at a time. She loves Charles Dickens and Gabriel Garcia Marquez and also, straight-to-video releases with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. It's possible she reads more teen fiction than she should. She hails from Los Angeles, her hometown and soul mate, but she lives in Brooklyn, the fling she'll never forget.

Olivia Purnell left Ohio for sunny Los Angeles; then found that she couldn’t ignore New York City’s call, and brought herself to Brooklyn where she has worked with GenArt, BlackBook, the School of American Ballet, and finished an M.A. in Creative Writing from N.Y.U. She loves one-liners with sting and hates the stench of the subway in the summer. That said, she can’t get enough of either.

Jake Kalish is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Spin, Blender, Men's Fitness, Poets and Writers, and Playboy, among other publications. He is also the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights.

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Ben Kallen is an entertainment, health and humor writer who's been lectured to by Sidney Poitier, argued with by Lea Thompson and smiled at by Jennifer Connelly. He's the coauthor of The No S Diet and author of The Year in Weird, along with hundreds of magazine articles. He lives near the beach in Los Angeles, just like the gang from Three's Company.

Nicole Ankowski has lived in Ohio, Oakland, and on the high plains of South Dakota, but is now proud to call Brooklyn home. She wrote for alternative weekly papers in the first two states, and tried to learn Lakota in the last. (The vowels can be tricky.) She just earned her MFA in Creative Writing and has been published in Beeswax literary journal. She is unable to resist good writing or bad TV.

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