When we first saw The Secret Life of the American Teenager, ABC Family’s latest, not-so-highly anticipated teen drama, we had high hopes because a) we can't seem to hate teen shows, and b) in that full-circle fashion, it stars Molly Ringwald as the title teen’s mother. After all, we kind of enjoyed Greek, a relatively nuanced and endearing, if slightly predictable, look at the comical antics of college fraternities/sororities. What could possibly go wrong? Sadly, ABC Family’s poorly executed look at teen pregnancy feels, for all the world, like a live-action Planned Parenthood pamphlet. We thought we’d give it a few episodes just to be sure, but, if anything, the weirdness increases week to week…
First, the protagonist, dripping with wide-eyed innocence, gets knocked up in a vague encounter with the high school bad boy whose constant sexual conquests are really a misguided attempt to mask the childhood pain of sexual abuse at the hands of his father. Also, this happens at band camp. How sordid. No wonder ABC Family took the trouble to give not one, but two parental discretion advisory warnings preceding and following the premiere episode. It’s hard to adequately convey the awkward/lackluster quality of the script and performances. Is it wrong to laugh at dialogue about molestation if it’s delivered in a halting, first-time-actor brogue? Apparently, even stacking the soundtrack with the likes of John Mayer and Avril Levigne couldn’t add the appropriate level of gravity.
The cast of characters also includes: a Christian cheerleader with a purity ring, her mentally disabled older brother, a freshman Latina seductress, a guy with a lisp, an Asian sexpert who can conveniently quote complicated teen sex statistics from memory to legitimize even the most poorly conceived scene, and a strangely irritable guidance counselor who finds himself serving as wingman to a teenage would-be Lothario that refers to girls as “dames.” Oh yeah, and Molly Ringwald. The former muse of all things angst-y is kind of fun actually -- at least, it’s nice to see a familiar face in this sea of chaos.