We almost didn't watch Heroes this week, what with all the firings and rumors. But hey, Micah Sanders seems to have worked his machine magic and put the show on the air at least one more week. That, or I traveled back from three weeks in the future, after the show's been canceled, to watch this episode. We can do that, you know - go back in time, but only to watch original episodes of television programs. What's that you say? Tivo? Never heard of it.
Actually, this week's episode also looks back in time, as Hiro takes a spirit walk to 1 year in the past, and sees how all this stuff started. Sure, if a show's not moving forward in any sensible manner what it needs is a lot of flashbacks, including a bunch of clips from the wildly successful (and actually creative and fun) first season. This whole thing is sad, like the show's writers and producers (or, at least whoever's left) are saying "Remember us? You used to like us." It's like the montage of dead people at the Emmys, if Red Skelton had telekinesis and Imogene Coca was a government assassin. Except less good.
Heroes' Power: Ability to eulogize yourself
Heroes' Weakness: Um, you're not technically dead yet
The ep begins with Hiro's spirit walk showing him a whole lot of new characters we don't really know or care about: Claire's mom, Fire Hands McGee (not actual name), teaming up with her brother, Stupid Dude Fire Hands (might be actual name - will wiki that) to hold up a convenience store. They get stopped by Julia Roberts' older bro, the one who used to smoke a lot of weed and do B-movies. He takes Fire Hands McGee in to be an agent.
Sylar (then called Gabriel) is trying to hang himself, but Elle barges in and shoots down the rope like Clint Eastwood did with Eli Wallach in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Except she does it with the lightning bolts in her hands. Turns out she didn't just happen upon Gabriel; she and HRG were minitoring him for Primatech.Then we go to Nathan Petrelli driving with his wife. Yes, it's a clip from season 1. Car crashes, Nathan flies up into the air. Turns out Arthur Petrelli gave the orders to run his own son off the road. Pretty sure that's not in any parenting books.
Elle visits Gabriel/Sylar, brings him some peach pie, he says it's his favorite. Hey, mine too! Here's a recipe. Although, come to think of it, key lime pie is also great, as the last two episodes of Dexter have shown us. What is it with these shows and pie? And when does strawberry-rhubarb get a TV shoutout? Is Pecan or Lemon Merengue in the house?
Power: Making me really hungry for pie
Fire Hands McGee gets into some dumb escape plan with her dumb bro running away from that kid from The Pope of Greenwich Village, for no discernible reason. Linderman talks to Angela, says "do you want to live in blind obedience, or do you want to know the truth?" Actually, we'll take the dare, which is sitting through this whole episode without trying to make like Sylar with the rope. Pothead Roberts, after that nonsense with the train, hears Fire Hands McGee talk about her "dead" daughter - Claire, and feels so bad for her that he cuts her loose - and we see a clip from season 1 of Claire running into that burning building. You know, when the show was good.
Power: Making me wonder when exactly this show jumped the shark, and how I didn't notice.
Elle and Sylar are making all flirty-flirty, but then she brings in some dude named Trevor whose hands shoot like a gun - but only, apparently, if he makes that goofy gun hand gesture, like a seven year old. He should have been forced by writers to say "pow pow" too. He doesn't get the chance, 'cause Sylar kills him.
Angela Petrelli sits down with her husband, the Haitian comes in and blocks Arthur's abilities, she poisons him.
Back with HRG - after talking with Claire, he gets into a cab Soresh is driving, after Peter Petrelli gets out. That's right, clip from Season 1, Episode 1. Totally feels like it's one of those Seinfeld clip shows, after Larry David left and they were running on fumes and good memories. We told you, sad.
Everyone thinks Arthur Petrelli is dead - but, of course, he isn't. He just brain-controlled to tell everyone he was dead, and get a different body for the funeral.
Weakness: Ah, so the Petrelli boys can save the world, but they can't put the right body in a casket? Anybody heard of double-checking?
Now we're back in present day Africa - Hiro realizes Arthur Petrelli is alive. But then he notices his spirit guide has been decapitated. And Arthur Petrelli comes around, says "I hear you've been looking for me," and grabs that little guy by the head.
To be Continued...(Maybe)
-- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights
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