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Imaginary TV Fights: Tiki Barber of "The Today Show" vs. Tiki Barber of "Football Night In America"

Posted by Jake Kalish


Tiki Barber is a busy man - a correspondent for The Today Show all week and then, on Sunday night, strapping it on (that means something different in football than it does in pornography) to be one of the eighty-three people hosting Football Night in America.

In addition, his second book, Tiki Barber's Pure Hard Workout (It's a Victorian-era comedy of manners) was published November 13th. How can one man do it all? Our answer: he can't and half of these duties are being performed by Tiki's identical twin Ronde. But just in case it is Attiim Kiambu Barber himself handling all this work, he must, at the very least, have a split personality. So howzabout those personalities fight? Cryptopopculturalist and part-time pulling guard Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights at your service, to give you the blow-by-blow. (That means something different in fighting than it does in pornography.)

TIKI BARBER OF FOOTBALL NIGHT IN AMERICA TIKI BARBER OF THE TODAY SHOW
Broadcasting Teammate: Jerome "The Bus" Bettis Broadcasting Teammate: Ann "The Tank" Curry
40 Yard Dash: 4.47 seconds, away from Keith Olbermann's commercial break political diatribes 40 Yard Dash: 4.53 seconds, to the set's kitchen to cook peach muffins
Bench Press: 3 sets of Eagles coach Andy Reid Bench Press: 20 sets of Tim Gunn

THE FIGHT

Inspired by a classic Kathie Lee Gifford pep talk, Today Tiki takes a handoff from Matt Lauer, and, following a lead block by Gene Shalit, busts through the Viera and Roker led offensive line to pulverize and slobberknock Football NIght Tiki, who gets absolutely no assistance from any of his two hundred and fourteen co-hosts. Prone and concussed, football Tiki then is pestered by Costas and commentated on by Olbermann.



WINNER: TODAY TIKI

 

JAKE KALISH is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Blender, Men’s ­Fitness, and Playboy, among other publications. He could totally kick your ass.

Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press


PREVIOUSLY:
Imaginary TV Fights: Duchovny vs. Duchovny
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About Jake Kalish

Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights https://www.amazon.com/Santa-vs-Satan-Compendium-Imaginary/dp/0307406709/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1208807460&sr=8-1

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Lindy Parker has worked as a ghostwriter, editor, dance instructor and a purveyor of dreams, one beer at a time. She loves Charles Dickens and Gabriel Garcia Marquez and also, straight-to-video releases with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. It's possible she reads more teen fiction than she should. She hails from Los Angeles, her hometown and soul mate, but she lives in Brooklyn, the fling she'll never forget.

Olivia Purnell left Ohio for sunny Los Angeles; then found that she couldn’t ignore New York City’s call, and brought herself to Brooklyn where she has worked with GenArt, BlackBook, the School of American Ballet, and finished an M.A. in Creative Writing from N.Y.U. She loves one-liners with sting and hates the stench of the subway in the summer. That said, she can’t get enough of either.

Jake Kalish is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Spin, Blender, Men's Fitness, Poets and Writers, and Playboy, among other publications. He is also the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights.

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Ben Kallen is an entertainment, health and humor writer who's been lectured to by Sidney Poitier, argued with by Lea Thompson and smiled at by Jennifer Connelly. He's the coauthor of The No S Diet and author of The Year in Weird, along with hundreds of magazine articles. He lives near the beach in Los Angeles, just like the gang from Three's Company.

Nicole Ankowski has lived in Ohio, Oakland, and on the high plains of South Dakota, but is now proud to call Brooklyn home. She wrote for alternative weekly papers in the first two states, and tried to learn Lakota in the last. (The vowels can be tricky.) She just earned her MFA in Creative Writing and has been published in Beeswax literary journal. She is unable to resist good writing or bad TV.

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