We know, we know: it's Thursday again, and we're all bummed that ER is ending right when John Stamos got there! But when you get right down to it, is it really John Stamos? After filling the medical booties of both George Clooney and Goran Visnjic, is he really the lovable galoot we all knew and loved on Full House, or is he just another close cropped, sensitive swarther? We bet Uncle Jesse, with his brawny musician arms and whiplash smile could totally kick ER guy's ass. Hey...
Great idea! So here he is: Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, with the latest in our own series of imaginary fights. This week: Stamos vs. Stamos!
| JESSE KATSOPOLIS OF FULL HOUSE |
TONY GATES OF ER |
| Occupations: Lead Singer of Jesse and the Rippers / Exterminator / Advertising Executive / Radio Host / Nightclub Owner / Occasional Beach Boy |
Occupations: Paramedic/ER Intern/ER Resident |
| Overshadowed by: Those precious Olsen twins |
Overshadowed by: Those precious gunshot victims |
| Trademark Fighting Move: The cringe-inducing life lesson |
Trademark Fighting Move: "Accidental" misdiagnosis |
THE FIGHT
Fiery rebel Tony Gates is the favorite against softhearted rebel Uncle Jesse, but upon entering the ring, finds he himself helplessly drawn to Jesse's dynamic Grecian beauty. Jesse gazes back into the deep, masculine pools that are Tony's eyes, and, with a passion that shakes Mount Olympus... the two Stamoses become as one. Unfortunately, Tony is so overcome by eros that he forgets about the scalpel in his hand, and accidentally castrates Jesse.
WINNER: TONY STONE
JAKE KALISH is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Blender, Men’s Fitness, and Playboy, among other publications. He could totally kick your ass.
Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press
PREVIOUSLY:
Imaginary TV Fights: "Dexter" vs. Everybody From "C.S.I."
Imaginary TV Fights: Old "90210" vs. New "90210"
Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner