Thursday night, everyone. Time again for another episode of the American version of The Office. They're now on episode 69, which is not only a sexy number but also signifies 55 more episodes than the original UK version ever had. A triumph of American know-how over those wimpy Brits? Oh oh, we just cahn't do any more episodes than 14... waah, waah, tally ho, we want our ba-ba!
We're not so sure. David Brent's problems never got as soapy as Michael Scott's -- paternity, divorce -- and Tim and Dawn's romance had its ups and downs, but never anything as Ross-and-Rachel-y as Jim and Pam. Maybe there's still an honor to having fewer eps?
Well, only one way to figure this one out: a knockdown, dragout fight between the two creepiest and most dangerous guys each show has to offer. And so, we ask our good palJake Kalish, world famous balloon animal husbandrist, noted cryptopopculturalist, and author Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, to weigh in on the question. For the intercontinental honor of their shows, who would win: Dwight Schrute or Gareth Keenan?
GARETH KEENAN
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DWIGHT SCHRUTE
|
Training: Was a lieutenant in the Territorial Army
|
Training: Purple belt in Goju-Ryu karate |
| Ally: David Brent, reluctantly |
Ally: Michael Scott, reluctantly |
| Potential Advantage: Due to his military training, he now claims to be able to "kill a man with a single blow." |
Potential Advantage: Because he resorbed his twin while still in the womb, he now claims to have "the strength of a grown man and a tiny baby." |
THE FIGHT
Dwight brings to the battle his impressive assortment of weaponry, including a crossbow, pepper spray, brass knuckles, a stun gun, Molotov cocktails, and a samurai sword. However, these weapons prove unwieldy, and he asks for a moment to select the weapon that will best kill Gareth. This gives Gareth an opening, and he goes to grab his staplers. Unfortunately, one is suspended in jell-o and the other is glued to his desk. Hand to hand combat it is! Keenan's Territorial Army training gives him the upper hand over the much larger Schrute, but in their struggle, Dwight manages to grab his crossbow and shoot an arrow through Gareth's right pupil, effectively ending the battle, despite Keenan's protestations that he can continue fighting with an arrow in his eye. However, since in both versions of The Office success means spectacular failure, Gareth is declared the winner for being the bigger loser.
WINNER: GARETH KEENAN
JAKE KALISH is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Blender, Men’s Fitness, and Playboy, among other publications. He could totally kick your ass.
Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press
PREVIOUSLY:
Imaginary Fights: Lance Bass vs. Joey Fatone
Imaginary TV Fights: Stamos vs. Stamos
Imaginary TV Fights: "Dexter" vs. Everybody From "C.S.I."
Imaginary TV Fights: Old "90210" vs. New "90210"
Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner