OK, so, we quit recapping True Blood a few weeks back, as you might have noticed, because we were running out of ways to say "What the hell is going on with this show?" And yet, we still kept watching it, because we were a little wrapped up in the show already, and Nelsan Ellis is truly amazing in the very small role of Lafayette, and frankly we did kind of want to know who the killer was.
But now? Now that the first season is over, and the mystery is revealed, and every single character on the show (with the exception of -- surprise -- Lafayette) has wound up in a situation about which we could not give a shit if we snorted Metamucil and prunes... Well, now, we can safely say that we are never watching this misguided excuse for a chicken-fried Dark Shadows again, not even if our immortal souls depended on it. Fans of the show: maybe we'll hire someone who's into in time for Season Two -- but who knows. We might just have a special True Blood section of the job app from now on. "True Blood Season Finale: Fail or Epic Fail?"
So what was it about last night's episode that has so freed us from the curse set upon us by HBO and Alan Ball? Read on and find out.
1) IT TOOK FOREVER TO END
What was with dispensing with the killer halfway through the show -- and then doing all this godawful wrapup? We basically just got a chase between Sookie and [SPOILER!] Rene, and then that was over, and then, it was like Lord of the Rings or something: all this bleeding, endless "blah blah blah" and THEN a title card that said "Two Weeks Later"? And for what? What happened in that space of time that was so important, that couldn't have been shown happening in the space of just a few days? Nothing. FAIL.
2) BILL WALKING IN THE SUN WAS LAME AND DUMB
The guy just strolls out of the house into the daylight to save Sookie -- OK, sure. But aren't vamps supposed to be, like, superfast? At least, that's the impression we got when they jammed that special effect down our fucking throats every episode. And yet, here comes Bill, crisping in the afternoon sun and taking forever to get to the graveyard. He didn't even get a running start out of the house; he just stolled out like he was getting the paper. FAIL.
3) LAFAYETTE WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN VAMPED BY BILL? WHATEVER.
Oh, well there was one thing that "Two Weeks Later" was supposed to do for us: make us concerned for Lafayette, who was last seen getting chased by something behind Merlotte's -- on the same night that Bill came back from his walk in the sun. And then disappeared for a couple weeks. Hmmmmmm. Oh, sorry, we meant Snooooooze. OK, yes, we're a little worried about him, or would be if we ever planned on watching this show again. Mostly, we're worried that Nelsan Ellis has some sort of iron-clad contract that will never allow him to star in some other, less idiotic series. However, back to the matter at hand. May we point out that Bill Comton is supposed to be some sort of good guy, and we feel like although Stephen Moyer's tried real hard to make Bill work as an anguished, genuinely nice fella -- but not even he can make Bill go "Why yes, Sookie, I ate your friend" and make that work. And we're pretty sure this show wouldn't ask him to. Which is why we say that this is obviously a red herring, and a crummy one, and thanks Alan Ball, we'd forgotten that because stupid people like genre stuff you can treat us like we're stupid for watching your genre show that really isn't. FAIL.
4) WE DON'T CARE ABOUT WHATEVER JAM TARA'S GOTTEN HERSELF INTO WITH MICHELLE FORBES
Listen, we are impressed with Michelle Forbes for pulling together the resume she has. Just in the last year, she's been involved with not one but two of our favorite shows: Battlestar and Lost, winding up an integral part of some of both show's most excellent episodes. AND she was on Homicide! But whatever she's supposed to be here -- demon, shapeshifter, sister or old gf of Sam's, something something witch, blah blah blah der der der? We don't care. We just. Don't. Care. Why? Well, because Tara -- who's wrapped up in Forbes' storyline -- is a compulsively self-involved, self-destructive idiot with a lousy accent and no sense of fun, and whereas on a show like Six Feet Under that might be interesting because that's all that there is in the world, really, here -- in a world with vampires and shapeshifters -- people who make their own trouble are only good for getting gutted in grisly fashion. Otherwise, we just can't get worked up about that kind of crap. FAIL.
5) ANOTHER DEAD BODY IS NOT ENOUGH TO KEEP US COMING BACK. NOR IS ANY OF THE REST OF IT.
We're supposed to wait a whole other year to find out who it is that's found themselves dead in the back of Andy Bellefleur's car? No. That's not suspense; that's abuse. In a show like this, we're supposed to know who's dead, because then we care enough to come back. Yes, there are exceptions to this rule, like Lost's not revealing who was in that coffin at the end of season three. As we remember it, that finale gave us plenty bigger fish to fry. And this one gave us nothing. Nothing but some screaming idiots and a drunken loser and some dead gal in a car. And a guy going to church. And a shapeshifter stealing money from his own restaurant. And a vampire with the everliving equivalent of a teenager on his hands.
FAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.