Take a moment to really absorb what’s happening, because this is a historic moment. We, here at the Remote Island are rarely, rarely wrong. And when we are, we pretend the phrase Weapons of Mass Destruction never existed and we spew inarticulately about spreading Democracy and Freedom (thank you, W).
But today, we’re gonna have to admit it: Maybe John Connor’s girlfriend Riley is not so bad. She does look like this . . .
Hot, right?
And, we got a little background on Riley this week. Apparently in the future, little blond Riley was a dirty scavenging orphan, fighting extra large rats for scraps of food, looking like her clothes (and hair) had been rinsed in actual shit before she put them on. Resistance fighter Jesse (Brian Austin Green’s shady ass girlfriend) found Riley, saw her potential cuteness beneath all that grime and plucked Riley from the machine pits of hell to be Johnny’s girl. We kind of had Riley pegged as a grunge-era Bond-girl. You know, one part flannel, two parts scheming spy bitch on a sex-infused mission.
While she was definitely on a sex-mission, Riley didn’t really have a choice. She could do what Jesse asked or keep fighting the local rodents for lunch. The choice is obvi, no? But this week, homegirl’s conscious starts showing. The lies are all too much. She turns to Jesse, but that bitch cold cocks her upside her head (rough, right?). So she goes to Johnny’s house and slits her wrists. Hmmmm. If she dies, we have to say, we’ll be sad to see her go.