First things first, Kate Winslet -- you couldn't be more lovely and talented, and your armpits are flawlessly hair-free. Well done you. We thought there couldn't be a television moment that would make us love you more than the time you did your impression of Harvey Keitel as a wounded dog, but last night might have done it...
Rumor Willis -- Thank God you were a less awkward Miss Golden Globe than Melanie Griffith's daughter, and truly, except for that weird rhinestone belt you look totally chic, but we kind of feel for you...
It's got to be a drag to be standing up there with your mom and thinking, "why is she SO much hotter than me?" In fact, if pressed, we might guess you two were the same age...
Seriously, Demi Moore is Benjamin Button.
Ricky Gervais -- You made us laugh the most last night...
Clearly more presenters should take a beer to the podium.
Miley Cyrus -- Look on the bright side, we know it was awkward and callous for the GG people to keep the camera on you while The Jonas Brothers presented the award for best animated feature, but at least Nick Jonas didn't lean into the microphone afterwards and say, "P.S. Miley's a whore!" That would've been worse right?
Drew Barrymore -- It's hard to pinpoint what went wrong exactly...
We think it's mostly the Dynasty hair, because the dress -- while not our favorite color -- is mostly fine. Also, that shade of lipstick would probably feel more comfortable in Fort Lauderdale. Nevertheless, we did sort of admire your weird, giggling/clutching/hand-holding with Jessica Lange both on the red carpet and the stage. We can only assume that you reached so deeply into the quirky neuroses of your characters in Grey Gardens that you've decided to carry on behaving kookily even now.
Kiefer Sutherland -- as usual, not even Tom Cruise rocks the aviators with a tuxedo quite as well as you. This is a face that says, "I've been in jail, and I want to win."
January Jones -- A couple of things: First, your hair looks fierce, and we quite like the color of your dress even if you're getting dangerously close to that treacherous catering-napkin area. That said, our first reaction when we saw you on the red carpet was "She got a new nose." We can't really explain that reaction, especially since after some serious compare-and-contrast we're not convinced it's true, but still, that's not necessarily what you want people thinking when you walk in a room. Also, you maybe should've given the acceptance speech for your show, because Matthew Weiner's basically amounted to "we won this last year and I didn't get to give a speech."
Finally, Tracy Morgan -- the quote of the night goes to you: "I'm the face of post-racial America! Deal with it Cate Blanchett!" We're not 100% sure what that means since Cate Blanchett is not, in fact, American, but we've been going around saying it to our roommate all day anyway.
xoxo,
The Remote Island