Bravo’s The Real Housewives of Orange County regularly makes us want to laugh, whimper, or exfoliate our nether regions. But last night’s episode, “Naked Wasted,” pushed us over the edge. We actually shouted at the TV. We scared both our lovah and our cat. And it’s all because of the evil goblin heart, encased inside Tamra’s giant fake boobs…
Did anyone foresee Tamra’s evil plotting?
We’ll give credit to the Bravo editors, both for making us fall into their clever little world, and crafting a not-so-subtle, ironic arc for last night’s show: you see, Tamra was supposed to learn all about etiquette, i.e. proper behaviors. Which she immediately followed with her behaving in a catty, loathsome, awful way to her fellow human beings. We mean, more so than usual.
Last night’s “plot” followed three separate veins: newbie Lynne and her husband worry about their kids’ drinking (yawn); Vicki travels East to Chicago and is just as loud and annoying in the Windy City as she is in Orange County (though we heart her mom!); and…Tamra’s dinner party.
Tamra used to be the “hottest” housewife, but with this season’s introduction of Gretchen, she’s got major competition. Tamra’s solution is to label Gretchen a whorish gold digger. Sure, Gretch is young, hot, and engaged to a much older man with acute Leukemia. She flaunts her giant ring around his worried children. She appears shallow and easily distracted by shiny things. But — she also seems pretty devoted to her fiancé. Barring the cancer, we can’t see how her life situation is that much different from Tamra’s (married to a slightly older, wealthier man) or past wifey Lauri (married to a slightly older, much wealthier man).
We used to like Tamra, but this season she’s proving to be a downright despicable person. Good TV editing? Good acting? Or the truth?
Last night we first saw Tamra taking an etiquette lesson, because her continental husband Simon says he would never take her to “go see the Queen.” Throughout she made faces behind the poor instructor and was annoyed there was so much to learn. In her insightful commentary, she said of the poor woman: “I think Naomi was the perfect person to teach etiquette. She kinda had that stick-up-the-ass kinda look.”
Classy!
To celebrate her newly acquired etiquette, Tamra decided to throw a seven-course meal created by former Top Chef contestant, and featuring the tequila her hubby Simon is currently hawking. We felt bad when Simon took over the planning…but all our sympathy evaporated when, during the meal, Tamra grabbed Vicki, her partner-in-annoyance, and drunkenly plotted about Gretchen: “We going to get her wasted. Naked wasted.”
Naked wasted! The ultimate, as every fratboy knows.
Tamra explained her reasoning to the cameras: “Gretchen only wants you to see her in a good light. But there is a part of her that just is, like, a dark side. And I don’t know that if I trust her. I’m the type of person who believes in your actions, not your words, and she’s saying one thing and doing another.”
Just like being nice to her face, and than blatantly getting her trashed so that she embarrasses herself on national television? Bravo, Bravo editors – bravissimi!
Gretchen gets hammered. And who wouldn’t, if you weigh 97 pounds? It was like watching a bikini-clad scream queen wander into a creepy house asking, "Is anyone there?” Or watching that years’-old episode of America’s Next Top Model, when the dorky (and attached) former Walmart employee/contestant gets wasted and sleeps with an Italian model…and not one of her friends stopped her. Oh yeah, you know the one.
Lynne and Jeana try lamely to move some tequila shots out of Gretchen’s way, but she’s already in the drunken zone, emitting loud, orgasmic noises whenever she eats chocolate (who doesn’t do this), playing with her oversized breasts (we would too, if we had them), and admitting that she’s acting so crazy (and erotically sucking on halibut, we kid you not) to make up for “eight months of not getting any.”
The big, awful bizarre part – by the end of the meal, Tamra’s manwhore, 22-year-old son Ryan has swooped in. He’s sitting next to Gretchen, massaging her neck, rubbing her bare back, and letting her pet his spiky, gelled hair.
We were horrified. Granted, we are always horrified when Ryan’s onscreen. But this was beyond embarrassing: if he took advantage of Gretchen (and everyone let him), then it could end her engagement. It could, kinda, ruin her life. Sure, we all have to responsible for our own tequila intake – but the show moved from easy voyeurism into a sick clusterfuck with real consequences.
The show ends Lynne trying to take Gretchen home, but Tamra basically cock-blocking her. Then, a camera-person sneaks into a bedroom, and encounters a closed bathroom door. Gretchen and Ryan are on the other side, and we hear Gretchen say that she can’t kiss or hug Ryan, because she’s engaged to a “very nice” man. (Granted, not the most enthusiastic of statements.)
Then the Bravo editors tantalize us with Gretchen also saying that Ryan really turns her on…with a swift "To Be Continued" thrown onscreen!
So! Next week! Is the “you turn me on” sentence actually part of a longer declarative statement, in which Gretchen throws him out before puking on her shoes? Is it all a clever ruse on Bravo's part, and nothing happens? Or will this silicone-fueled fantasy world finally pop?