First things first, Freida Pinto -- You may be surprised to learn that we were holding our own private awards ceremony last night, and you were the winner. We love this dress. We love your hair, your make up, your overall unearthly beauty. Well done you...
Vanessa Hudgens -- We're not 100% sure what's happening here. Putting aside the fact that your dress appears to be that unfortunate combo of unflattering and ill-fitting, we have two other concerns. First, the vertical ribbons that stop abruptly at your knees put us vaguely in mind of a straight jacket. Also, the black and white flowers stuck on the front seem to be little more than a decorative after thought. We'll be honest, we expected more from you -- we've seen you rock it out. We suppose you can't win them all.
Robert Downey Jr. -- We hated your movie, we thought it was pointless and unfunny (also, what's the deal with you being nominated? Is this Hollywood's way of saying blackface is okay now, because last time we checked it was still offensive). That being said, WE LOVE YOU, and couldn't be happier to see you doing so well. Please continue doing all manner of non-blackface roles so that we can camp out at the theater and bask in your presence. Also, your wife is hot.
Beyoncé -- It's time for some tough love. No more House of Dereon. It's just not working out. Go to Angel Rodriguez or Michael Kors so they can give you something that doesn't force us to ask, "how do you solve a problem like Maria?"
Taraji P. Henson -- Can we call you, TP? Girl, you look amazing. We want you to be our new BFF so that we can trade clothes, and hair secrets (yours is so shiny!), and talk shit about Jay Manuel and the telestrator that he used on each of your dress layers. Also, it was nice of you to smile so graciously during Goldie Hawn's tribute to you, because we know you were thinking, "damn, my boobs look so much better than hers."
Miley Cyrus -- We've been back and forth on this look, but in the end we've decided that we like it. Even though, our first reaction is to picture you as one of those little dolls born from plastic flowers, we still think you look nice. Nice and doll-like. That said, we're not at all sure what you're doing at the Oscars. You're not presenting, you're not nominated and we're fairly certain you're not a member of the Academy. Did ABC really need red carpet candy so badly?
Natalie Portman -- There's nothing negative we can say about you here, except to express our wild jealousy. You look stunning. In our Oscar fashion awards, you came in second.
And finally, Amanda Seyfried -- Oh Amanda. We know that technically you're wearing Valentino Haute Couture, but can we just call a spade a spade? It's Jessica McClintock c. 2001. Good rule of thumb for the beginner: Just say no to bows.
Previously:
Live Blogging From The Oscars Red Carpet