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Today In WTF: "Survivor's" Richard Hatch Wants To Serve His Sentence In Argentina

Posted by Olivia Purnell

 

'Crazy eyes' Hatch is in jail for tax evasion and perjury. He didn't pay taxes on the million bucks he won on Survivor in 2000, then he blatantly lied to judge and probation officials throughout his trial. Smart and classy. Hatch's overall idiocy earned him a 51 month sentence. Even though Dick still hasn't paid those fucking taxes, he has under a year left and is scheduled to be released into supervised custody on May 12th.

But . . .  he still hasn't paid his fucking taxes!!!! (Can you smell our anger through the computer screen? It smells like diesel fuel with a dash of disgust.)

And, and, he'd like to serve the rest of his sentence in Argentina, if it pleases the court . . .

Hatch “wants to serve his time on supervised release in Buenos Aires, Argentina, and to be free to travel the world to make guest appearances on the popular reality show [Survivor].

Richard's husband lives in Buenos Aires, so naturally the American justice system should allow Hatch and Hubby's beachside reunion during his jail sentence. Because that seems fair. It's in the constitution, we think. Right to bear arms, right to tan during your prison term, and the right to appear on the Survivor reunion special anytime you please.

Really, truly, what the fuck? Hatch: You are a criminal. We repeat: CRIMINAL. You don't get to build sandcastles with your man while the rest of the criminals work on the chain gang. That's just not how it goes. Dwindling Reality Celebrity does not buy you a one way ticket out of state-side house arrest.

Also, now that your 15 minutes have officially expired, shouldn't you pay your taxes like the rest of the country? Nope, don't talk. That question was rhetorical. Shhhhh. Just pay your taxes.

(realityblurred.com)

Previously:

"Survivor" Richard Hatch Wants To Get Out Of Jail Free

"Survivor" The Theme Park Experience

Is "Survivor" Channeling "Girls Gone Wild" To Boost Ratings?

 


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Lindy Parker has worked as a ghostwriter, editor, dance instructor and a purveyor of dreams, one beer at a time. She loves Charles Dickens and Gabriel Garcia Marquez and also, straight-to-video releases with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. It's possible she reads more teen fiction than she should. She hails from Los Angeles, her hometown and soul mate, but she lives in Brooklyn, the fling she'll never forget.

Olivia Purnell left Ohio for sunny Los Angeles; then found that she couldn’t ignore New York City’s call, and brought herself to Brooklyn where she has worked with GenArt, BlackBook, the School of American Ballet, and finished an M.A. in Creative Writing from N.Y.U. She loves one-liners with sting and hates the stench of the subway in the summer. That said, she can’t get enough of either.

Jake Kalish is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Spin, Blender, Men's Fitness, Poets and Writers, and Playboy, among other publications. He is also the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights.

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Ben Kallen is an entertainment, health and humor writer who's been lectured to by Sidney Poitier, argued with by Lea Thompson and smiled at by Jennifer Connelly. He's the coauthor of The No S Diet and author of The Year in Weird, along with hundreds of magazine articles. He lives near the beach in Los Angeles, just like the gang from Three's Company.

Nicole Ankowski has lived in Ohio, Oakland, and on the high plains of South Dakota, but is now proud to call Brooklyn home. She wrote for alternative weekly papers in the first two states, and tried to learn Lakota in the last. (The vowels can be tricky.) She just earned her MFA in Creative Writing and has been published in Beeswax literary journal. She is unable to resist good writing or bad TV.

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