If you live anywhere other than New York, or don't spend your days sniffing the media world's shiny round butt, you might not have heard about this kid Kari Ferrell, a briefly-employed Vice Magazine admin assist (and UPDATE one-time wannabe Suicide Girl!) who earlier this week was profiled in the Observer and exposed as an ALLEGEDLY slutty ALLEGEDLY fake cancer victim / ALLEGED short con grifter.
Within the space of a half-hour, Ms. Ferrell was peppering him with questions about his sexual history—how many women he’d slept with and so on. “She was coming on to me, and I was super into it for the first part of it,” he said. “I realized I could have fun after work—but then I was like, ‘Let me check this girl out.’” He Googled her. Up popped a photo of his flirtatious new co-worker on the Salt Lake City Police Department’s Most Wanted list, wanted on five different warrants, including passing $60,000 in bad checks, forgery and retail theft.
Now why, you might ask, should you care? Take it away, Gothamist!
Cannot wait until this Law & Order episode comes out.
Actually, we're also hoping that America's Most Wanted features this, like, next week, but yes, indeed! L&O needs to start breaking this story todaysterday.
Wait a second! According to some well placed, possibly fictional sources deep within the Dick Wolf mothership, they already have! Right now, at this very second, Wolf and his crack team of former playwrights are literally ripping the headlines right out of the week's newspapers and jamming them into scripts for not one but all three L&O shows, just to see which one works best. And we've managed to get a peek at the first drafts!!!
Law & Order
We're pretty disappointed in the script being hammered out for the OG L&O. It starts out great: an editor at an underground magazine is found murdered, and everyone in the office is a suspect. At first Lupo and Bernard think it's a drug thing, since everyone in the place turns out to have a habit, but slowly the trail leads to Jeni Hammond, a temp described as a "Devon Aoki-type with a shady past" and a history of nailing everyone in sight. You see where that's going, right? Well, maybe not, since as so often happens with this show, once they get to the "Order" part, it goes in this completely different direction that we just couldn't give two bongs about.
Opposing Counsel (Jerry O'Connell) bursts into Cutter's office, hands Connie a motion.
Rubirosa: What's this?
Opposing Counsel: Motion to dismiss.
Cutter: On what grounds?
Rubirosa: (Reading the motion.) First amendment?
Opposing Counsel: My client is a paid journalist and...
Cutter: Your client wrote a review of a "Management" show!
Rubirosa: I think it's "MGMT".
Opposing Counsel: It's immaterial, since in said review, she mentioned a number of activities and sources on which she can't be asked to elaborate under oath.
Rubirosa: But without her testimony we have no case!
Opposing Counsel: Really? Damn... I'm charging by the hour.
Opposing counsel leaves. Jack McCoy enters the room.
Rubirosa: What do we do, Jack?
Cutter: I know what I'm going to do. I'm charging them all with murder!
McCoy: And risk violating their rights to free expression?
Cutter: It's an unsafe work environment, Jack; reasonable expectation of not getting murdered. [Note: Run by legal?]
McCoy: No judge has applied that to peacetime since the Influenza epidemic, Mike, you know that.
Cutter: But this is a war, Jack... A war on drugs!
McCoy considers this.
McCoy: I hope you know what you're doing. You don't want to be known as the guy that lost to time-lapse pictures of vomit.
OK, it's a first draft, obviously, but seems like they're trying to jam maybe one too many topical elements in there, right? Still, we hear they're trying to line up Daniel Radcliffe to play a tweaked out skateboarder/bespoke tailor, so maybe it'll be worth it?
Law & Order: Criminal Intent
The Criminal Intent script, on the other hand, is straight up terrible. Maybe that show skews more middle-aged than we'd thought, because they've altered the story to fit Phoebe Cates as "Teri Hartman", an exotic black widow type who claims to be a Broadway producer -- and who leaves a trail of dead trustafarian actors in her well-heeled Williamsburg wake. Now we love us some Phoebe Cates, but do we really want to see her in a sensual cat-and-mouse thing with Vincent D'Onoforio?
Hartman: You and I are the same you know.
Goren: How do you mean?
Hartman: We both make our living noticing the things people don't mean to say.
Goren: Is that a confession?
Hartman: It's an offering.
Goren: Of what?
Hartman: Of friendship.
Goren: With benefits?
Hartman: Who knows?
Goren: Benefits better be pretty good since a lot of your friends wind up dead.
Hartman: We all wind up dead in the long run.
Goren: In the long run... it has been a long run, hasn't it?
Hartman: What do you mean?
Goren: Well, a long run from Cincinnatti.
Hartman: Cincinnatti?
Goren: Yeah, Hamilton County High.
Goren takes out an old high-school yearbook, opens to a marked page.
Hartman: That's not me.
Goren: Oh, I think it is.
Hartman: You're trying to get me to, what, confess, for something I didn't do? Say I'm someone I'm not.
Goren: No. No, I'd never try to get you to confess. I'm trying... I'm trying to get you to do that, to, to look down your nose at me. To make you squint. Those little lines around your eyes... You look great for... how old are you, 35?
Hartman: I'm telling you, that's not me.
Goren: Class of... '91? '91? That can't be right. Remy Shimmelman was born in '81. That'd make you ten when he was born. Did you think of that when you were telling him you could make him a star? When you were slitting his throat? Did you want him to know?
Hartman: Damn you, Goren!
Goren: Know that you weren't a hipster at all... that you were practically... a cougar!
Hartman: God damn you!
She sobs. He holds her.
Hartman: We could be so good together.
Goren: I didn't like Spring Awakening enough for you.
Hartman: (Coughs.) I've got cancer you know.
Goren: My mom had cancer.
They kiss.
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Our money's on the script they've got cooking up over on SVU, which right now is so spicy that we're not even sure it'll get past the censors -- and which (ladies take note) they've apparently been working overtime to get Paul Rudd interested in. He'd be playing "Dash MacAdoo", a cooler-than-thou editor at "Str8Dope Magazine", who spends his days writing about indie bands and the fun of committing felonies -- and his nights snorting drugs and balling the interns. When one of his conquests turns up naked and dead under the Williamsburg Bridge, he's the first suspect -- until the victim's career as a grifter comes to light, and then suddenly everyone's a suspect. But Detective Stabler has a hunch about MacAdoo, and under the guise of a routine followup questioning, he brings the heat.
Stabler: We found your phone. We found all the phones she'd stolen. Funny thing is, you're the last person she contacted that night.
MacAdoo: She was sexting me.
Benson: Sending you naked pictures of herself.
MacAdoo: Yeah. All the kids do it these days.
Benson: But you said before that you two had sex.
MacAdoo: Well, sexting turned into a booty call.
Benson: She called you late at night to arrange sex?
MacAdoo: Yeah. All the kids do it these days.
Stabler: What was the sex like?
MacAdoo: I told you... It was rough.
Stabler: She liked it rough?
MacAdoo: Yep.
Stabler: Backdoor.
MacAdoo: Yeah.
Stabler: See, I think you're the only one who likes it rough.
MacAdoo: No, she loved it.
Stabler: Funny thing about that is, no one else said she liked it that way...
MacAdoo: What can I say?
Stabler: So she got freaky deaky just for you?
MacAdoo: You tell me.
Stabler: What I'm wondering is: is that the only way you can make a woman feel it?
MacAdoo: Huh?
Stabler: By going in the out door?
MacAdoo: No. No, you don't...
Stabler: Or maybe, maybe you thought that she deserved it that way, for coming on strong and then not being a real freak. Is that right?
MacAdoo: No, she was a freak. Have you seen her tattoos? All the kids...
Stabler jumps to his feet.
Stabler: My daughter's got a tattoo. You think my daughter likes it like that?
MacAdoo: Wait, what?
Stabler: Don't you dare bring my daughter into this!
Stabler reaches across the table and is about to clock MacAdoo when Capt. Cragen bursts in the interrogation room.
Cragen: Stabler! You're off the case.
Stabler grunts, exits. Detective Tutuola catches him.
Tutuola: Man, I'd have done the same thing, Eliott, man.
Stabler: What'd you say about my daughter?
Next stop, Emmytown!!!
PREVIOUSLY:
Stephanie March Reunites With "Law & Order," And It Feels So Good . . .
Seven Of Nine Will Be On "SVU"
Never Fear -- Mariska Hargitay Will Return To "SVU"
There's Only One Explanation For All The Comics On "Law & Order: SVU"