Sometime this winter, I answered a work-related email from a man I'll call Joe, whom I'd never met before. Joe responded in turn; he lived in New York, near me, and had some further questions. Suddenly, at the unpredictable pace with which attraction flares out of nowhere, our exchange became charged. Within an hour we went from professional niceties to quick-fire one-liners; we were teasing and playing and showing off our wittiest plumage. We were flirting. And I was Googling him, wondering: Who is this guy? Is he straight? Single? Hot? Hitting on me? Then came his invitation, "to take this to a bar where it belongs."
Before I could even work up a suitably piquant reply, I had another email in my inbox. It began, "Hello, I've added you to my Joe'sJournal group at Yahoo!" Joe'sJournal's "introductory message" to me read, "I hope you'll enjoy this. It's fun, if I do say so myself, and you can learn all about me before we meet!"
It's simply not hot when, after an evening of come-hither stares and maybe some foot frottage, you receive an email inviting you to visit ComeHither.com.
He wasn't kidding. Among the things I learned about Joe? He was planning a big party in the next couple of weeks, at which he'd be serving cucumber sandwiches made specially on spelt bread; that his seventy-year-old mother would be a guest, that she had just broken up with a boyfriend and had reactivated her eHarmony account, that she has a blog, that her blog is all about her dating life, and that her son's blog is all about her.
And with that, so many question marks surrounding my promising email exchange with Joe evaporated. Attraction? Squelched. Fun? Over. Mystery? Sucked dry. Curiosity? I know all I ever want to know, please do not write to me again, it's been real, good-bye and good luck.
There used to be few moments in the sexual universe better than those early, butterfly days of love . . . or lust . . . or like. Whether it was the did-I-imagine-it look over beers, the gaze held across a party, or suddenly saucy email banter, the pleasure leaping from belly down the legs was all about the lurching joy of early-stage discovery. The first acknowledgements of chemistry made way for the slow reveal, the hopefully languorous unfurling of personal intimacies: who are you, where are you from, what do you read, who do you do and how do you like to do it, where do you live, who do you love? These are the questions that determined how many ways I would be pulled toward a man or repelled by him as he began his transformation from stranger to fling, dud, or lead character in my romantic narrative.
Alas, no more. Gone are my days of lazily unwrapping new prospects like birthday presents, asking intrusive questions as seductively as possible over brunches and lengthy drinks.
Nope. These days, you can't swing a cat in this town without hitting a boy with a blog . . . or a chat group, or listserv, or food diary, family website, online poetry monograph, or collection of unpublished photos of meerkat babies accompanied by a lengthy bio that he is eager to share with you, the stranger he's just met.
One of the soul-squooshing truths of computer-age congress is the speed with which we can turn up information on people we're curious about. It's useful, I guess, if you're trying to screen for convicted stalkers or major Republican donors, but not so much if you're hoping to preserve even a bit of enthralling mystery about your latest catch.
It's simply not hot when, after an evening of come-hither stares and maybe some foot frottage, you receive an email inviting you to visit ComeHither.com, "a random collection of thoughts on life and love!" Random thoughts on life and love are the crap you put up with — happily, perhaps — once you've decided that Mr. Hither fascinates you so much that you'd like to temporarily bind your own life and love to his. Until then, they are just embarrassing journal entries guaranteed to tamp the flames of desire.
Trust me, it happens all the time. Joe's mommy-and-me tea party wasn't even unique enough to be intriguing; at about the same time, a friend received an email blast from a guy with whom she'd been on two dates, advertising his blog about his elderly mother's adventures on JDate. (Perhaps there's a another story to be done about single guys' online investment in their single mothers' online sex lives, but I hope never to be the one with enough experience to write it.)
Commentarium (72 Comments)
Wow, I can't imagine any situation where I'd give someone I had just started dating my blog address. If I did so, how the fuck would I be able to rant to my friends about her if a date when humorously bad?
That said, I tend to assume that a lot of girls google anyway. But at least then if they find my blog they have no one to blame but themselves.
Also, there is no way in hell under any circumstance that I would give a girl the URL of a blog that had any information about my family on it.
The last thing I want a girl thinking about on a date is my mom.
Thank you -- I've encountered a few examples of the TMI culture myself, and have been wondering if I'm just some kind of old grouch. I feel better knowing there's at least two of us! Weirdly enough, I have a blog. However, it's anonymous; only three of my friends know I write it, and even if someone else who knew me stumbled upon it, he or she would probably not connect it to me. I would certainly never send a link to a man I'd just starting seeing. When did immediate public oversharing become acceptable?
I don't really think this is a problem. So you found out very soon that Joe is reallllly close with his mother- isn't it better to find that out now than after lots of dates and getting attached? Screw the "mystery," you're going to find that stuff out sooner or later. I always vote for sooner if you're going to rule someone out who's not right.
Spot on. Why do people think all this personal info is so interesting (and not weird, creepy or irritating) anyway. It's cool to find these things out later in a relationship. The real life parallel is hearing someones life story on your first meetin - needy, nerdy and TMI.
Electronic speed has ruined the slow reveal... There is no tease, just strip.
TMI saves time. We don't have time for slow reveal, put out or shut up!
If your blog is banal and boring, it makes you look the same way. If your blog rocks though, it can be quite an aphrodesiac. The trick is in knowing thine own blog, and sharing it appropriately.
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I agree with you entirely. An obsevation I'd like to make about blogs and the bloggers who maintain them tend to have a phase in which they think about either abandoning their online journals or making another account as if, in one way or another, start over. All that is caused by the realization that they have blogged too much.
All I have to say is that these guys who are signing you up arbitrarily for their e-mail groups, newsletters or blogs aren't really exhibiting any form of etiquette whatsoever. I mean, it's one thing if you say "yes, I would like to know more" and then you found all this out. In that respect, you're pretty much asking for it. But if they're just doing it on a whim because they think it's cool...honey, RUN AWAY, don't walk, OK?
You won't have sex w/ a guy b/c he like the Eagles a lot? How mature. Yes, you must be way hipper than that guy, and you should definitely make hipness your main criterion for which guys you'll bang.
You won't have sex w/ a guy b/c he like the Eagles a lot? How mature. Yes, you must be way hipper than that guy, and you should definitely make hipness your main criterion for which guys you'll bang.
Ms. Traister, I enjoyed this essay. It reminded me of a quote I've seen attributed to Confucious, "Love in triangle, not on square."
This something my late grandmother or 80 something mother would have advised. It's timeless advice.
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This interests me a lot. I have a similar blog about my dating life on blogger and now you've got me wondering...will it hurt my future relationships? I don't tell people I meet about it and I've put it under a code name, but my most recent interest happened to stumble across it and has been reading it , which I don't mind, since I am usually an extremely honest person anyway. But I don't want all the mystery to be gone too soon! I've gotta take a good look and figure out the potential pitfalls...hmmm.
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