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You know what we need, boys? A handy guide of what to do — and what not to do — for Valentine's Day. Because us males, ugh, we're just so stupid about these sorts of things, right?

Thankfully, the kind ladies over at the Frisky have whipped up a nifty little approval matrix that critically evaluates your potential gift-giving ideas, like perfume or "dinner for two," which I guess sounds more romantic than just "dinner" and apparently is more romantic than a "home-cooked meal."

Here's a brief glimpse into at least one woman's mind:

But just when you thought ladykind was making things easier on you, you see two different "engagement ring" scenarios ranked in separate quadrants — one where she says yes ("romantic") and one where she says no ("lame"). So, um, don't buy her one of those if she's... not going to marry you? Aw, shucks, love is still so hard.

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Comments ( 14 )

Feb 10 11 at 5:44 pm
Lyd

I dont understand, I think porn and a vibrator and a pet from a shelter are totally romantic gifts, and weird shit like flowers and jewelry can be left behind. I cant use flowers, and jewelry is extra stuff I'd have to think to wear. A vibrator and porn should be a girl's best friend along with an actual penis, and who couldnt resist a cute fluffy rescued animal? This chart's priorities are all wrong.

Feb 10 11 at 6:16 pm
epiphany

I imagine an STD is not cheap, especially for the uninsured.

Feb 10 11 at 7:05 pm
Show

And why is a stuffed animal lame? People freaking love stuffed animals.

Feb 10 11 at 7:31 pm
cc

uh, some female people really don't.

Feb 10 11 at 7:12 pm
Lawrence

If the vibrator is a sign of the man opening up to different experiences in bed, that should be pretty fucking sexy and romantic. I've also found that home-cooked meals are WAY more expensive than a dinner for two in a high end restaurant. I end up buying new pots and pans, buttloads of ingredients that I'll never use again, and make it 4x before to make sure I didn't fail at boiling pasta.

Feb 10 11 at 7:43 pm
sa

lol my ex-boyfriend got me a vibrator

Feb 10 11 at 8:50 pm
Lisa

Pets as gifts is often how animals get to the shelter in the first place. Be sure the recipient is ready to commit to ten years or more of early morning walks, vet costs, etc.

Feb 10 11 at 9:00 pm
GeeBee

This dumb woman apparently thinks a tattoo is cheap. I guess if you learn to do your own while in the slammer? But worse, she also thinks it's romantic.

Feb 11 11 at 6:22 am
nope

Agreed. That was definitely the worst choice here. Trashy =/ cheap, in this case.

Feb 10 11 at 9:27 pm
willveee

Dude, my girlfriend loves mix CD's. I think it's a cute idea.

Feb 11 11 at 4:31 am
Dee

My last vibrator cost me 250$. How is THAT cheap, sirs. And I was stoked to receive it. Not lame.

This infograph is just in lala land. Or Cosmo-land, where everyone slut shames eachother at every turn of the page but then quivers in the corner and tells you where to touch your man (everywhere but his "no-no" bits!)

Feb 11 11 at 6:26 am
I think I disagree

The vibrator one is dead on. I love my vibrator, it's been better to me than many guys, but if your S.O. gets you that, sexy lingerie. or porn for Valentine's day it's be a gigantic warning sign. They really can't separate sex from romance for one day? That's kind of sad.

The homecooked meal v. dinner for two bit was weird, though.

Feb 11 11 at 7:54 am
girlj

I, for one, would eat your fucking Valentine's Day chocolate whether you bought it at the drugstore, Wal-Mart, or the morgue.

Feb 11 11 at 12:10 pm
FT

This is stupid for too many reasons to list.

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