You do not want to know what Newt Gingrich's Valentine's Day plans are

He'll be fucking his wife. That's what Newt Gingrich's Valentine's Day plans are. Just in case anyone was wondering. Y'know, FYI.

Allow me to clarify. Yesterday, at a campaign event in South El Monte, Calif., Newt Gingrich was asked by an audience member what he planned to do with his wife, Callista, for Valentine's Day. Gingrich responded:

"All I can promise is that I believe she will be quite happy tomorrow night. I think for the first time in a while we have a private dinner and hopefully [can] exchange gifts, and reconnect a little bit."

The most unbelievable part of this is that after Gingrich said he'd be spending the evening pleasuring his wife, according to Politico, audience members "chuckled" and "cheered." Not "projectile vomited like extras in the Stand By Me pie-eating scene." Not "attempted to strangle themselves with their own shoelaces." Not even "were overcome by a wave of nostalgia from childhood memories of making a Hillary Clinton Barbie and an albino Mr. Potato Head bump the smooth patches of plastic between their legs."

No. People "chuckled" and "cheered." Like a goddamn Saved By The Bell studio audience. You know the tone of the political conversation has gotten out-of-hand when people are actually applauding the mental image of Newt Gingrich having sex with anyone (and when bloggers are actually comparing the act to a Hillary Clinton Barbie having sex with an albino Mr. Potato Head).