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Horoscopes by Neal Medlyn Capricorn: This is likely to be a week of inner realization, but Dr. Phil won't necessarily bark at you to "get it together, girlfriend."
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Monday may find you eager to be down on yourself. Small setbacks or criticisms may lead you to shout at yourself in public or deny yourself sex. I used to hide from pizza parties in bathrooms when I decided to punish myself. Guess what? It was kind of pointless. By Tuesday and Wednesday, you'll wake up ready for action, sexual and otherwise. Just be sure and keep it that way and avoid reentering such silliness this weekend.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Boy, do I get tired of all the sun-and-Uranus horoscope jokes! This being so I won't editorialize the recent conflict between those two that has you still either taking people too literally ("let's go to bed" comments leading to enthusuastic unzippering and then embarassment) or judging too quickly ("What?! You own a Smashing Pumpkins cassingle? I'm fucking out of here!") Try to cool it by Saturday when all of the cosmic juices in your celstial orbs will conspire for unbelievable sex.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Being left to your own devices will bring happiness as the week begins, so you may want to scrape together the fifty or so bucks you'll need and head down to Good Vibrations for some appropriate devices to be left to. This will be true throughout the week, as you'll be in the mood to take it easy and to do those detailed, self-centered things that other people probably shouldn't be expected to be around for. The weekend will return you to sociability with a healthy, satisfied glow to your cheek, making you the life of the party.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
A ten year old I know suggested to his analogy-weary friend that you are like a light bulb. Monday and Tuesday you're on, flashy and full of spunk (his words, not mine). Midweek, you're off, bored and listless. By week's end, you'll be back on but with the added bonus of feeling genuinely content — a feeling not often found in light bulbs. Don't let the rollercoaster of mood annoy you too much earlier in the week, or you risk the special ending.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I don't know if you were ever a fan of professional wrestling, but if you've ever seen it, you will have noticed the efficacy of having a tag-team partner or wily, rules-be-damned manager come to your aid when you've been hit by a chair. This is an important life lesson for you this week, Capricorn. You need allies. Allies who will be willing to give someone a suplex, yes, but also allies in the arena of love. It may be a friend who can talk to you up to someone you'd like to get with, or just someone who is willing to spit in their hand and shake on the common goal of explosive intercourse. Just make sure you find them, put on some spandex and get to work.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The way everyone was talking I thought a re-read of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe was going to reveal over-the-top obvious Christian propaganda such as "Once there was a boy named Esus-Jay who was born in Ethlehem-Bay" or something. Your horoscope for the week is also not as obvious as it may seem. You'll feel mystical early in the week, feeling some sort of weird and deep affinity for things which you can't quite grasp and which may distract you from the people around you who are focused on more concrete things. Like rent and food. You'll be more interested in thinking about the mysteries of the universe. Just don't overlook one of the chief mysteries, the sensual pleasures of the body, as the end of the week will offer up new opportunities in that department.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Feelings of hard-earned, natural satisfaction are in store for you this week, a kind of eternal cellular reward for physical effort. This should motivate you to get moving during sex. All this I'm-so-tired-from-work, or from-the-gym or from-walking-around is leading you, around Thursday, to feelings of utter blah-ness. But this can be avoided by toiling, toiling in the gardens of sex, hoeing the fallow fields of flesh before you! Work! Work! Work! Satisfaction awaits.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Just like they tell you in that careers course they make you take right before high-school graduation, goals are good. The best kind of goals for you this week are those which are easily achieved. Can you come three times tonight? YES, you CAN! Imagine a giant approving hand stamping those words over your every small achievement. This will be an enjoyable week for you, just watch out for Friday, when your goal of charming someone may involve glossing over his heroin habit or her interest in cat-strangulation videos. Just because you can bed these people, doesn't mean you should.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You're stricken with a New Yorker complex this week, (valiantly? vainly?) insisting on adding the umlaut to words like "reestablish". The problem is that the people you're around think they're way past reciprocal orgasms, polite swallowing or refraining from eye-rolling just because it takes a few minutes for you to get off. Jeez! Best thing to do this week is stick to your guns and hope there's a Cervantes around to make you a hero of the Impossible Dream of civil sex. You'll feel better doing that than forgoingthat umlaut.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Know how you get so convinced that the only thing worth doing sexually is giving someone head after they just did it with someone you date, and then you wake up the next day like, whoa, that was totally crazy and my inisistence made my whole life weird? Well, watch for similar feelings of utter conviction this week, particularly on Thursday. Wait a while, or just let things ruminate before taking decisive action. This week, it may not be in your best interests to insist on something, even if you're completely positive it's a good idea, until you've given it some time.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
promotion
You always hear that supermarkets are good places to pick people up, which may or may not be true, but bright lights, foodstuffs and soft Neil Diamond songs are the path to sexual fulfillment for you this week. This may just be you making a mattress out of loaves of bread and lying back on it quivering in anticipation of congress, or it may involve actual sex in the supermarket, tumbling back in ecstasy over a pyramid of fruit and getting a few blood-bespattered butchers in on the fun. Okay, I admit that's not very likely to actually happen and could lead to an arrest, so the point here is to introduce heretofore un-thought-of elements into your love life. Maybe, just maybe, turn all the lights on and listen to "I Am, I Said" during sex.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
In that immortal children's tale, Ferdinand the Bull just wants to sit and smell the flowers. After a bee sting convinces bullfight talent scouts of his fierceness, however, he ends up in a ring surrounded by paying customers eager to see him rip apart the quaking toreador. This is you this week. Now, before the words "performance anxiety" get too settled in your head, rest
assured that it won't be as simple (or embarassing) as that. Point is: just because you can do something, and/or everyone is eagerly awaiting and expecting it, doesn't mean you want to do it. Go with what you like this week instead of what you're good at. You may feel some twinge of doubts about this around mid-week, but by Saturday, it should be apparent that it was the
right course.
