Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
This week you're as outgoing as an overly enthusiastic teen who dots her i's with hearts and draws suns and rainbows on everything. You're bursting with conviviality and should really capitalize on this by throwing a party, ideally on Thursday or Friday. Be sure to ask whomever you have your eye on to "stay and help you clean up." Just don't serve Jell-O shots and guacamole as the only refreshments. The stars went to a party like that once and it was no good.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
The structure of sitcoms will resonate with you this week. Around you will revolve a cast of familiar, idiosyncratic characters who hang out constantly, wisecracking and having adventures. Plans will go awry on Wednesday (the week equivalent of the third commercial break), but don't get bent out of shape. You're going to have laughs and lots of sexual innuendo, and you can pick your own cast: whether it's a crowd of sharp-tongued, three-martini ladies looking for sex or a wacky foreigner and his scheming roommate who end up bursting the pipes in their apartment to hilarious effect is up to you.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
"Hanging out" is supposed to be very cool. There are entire American cities (like Austin, Texas) dedicated to the practice, and those around you may be prone to such lounging Wednesday through Friday. But you won't understand the appeal this week, and meandering conversations will drive you crazy. Luckily, ambition pays off when it comes to sexual exploits, and the approach of Sunday's Full Moon will bring you much success.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
One time the stars were listening to a Sonic Youth record with an acquaintance and thought, "Say, why don't we do it? We don't have anything else planned." This thought led to some of the most labored and icky sex of all time. The point is, resist those stray impulses at the end of this week. Stick to having good sex with sexually reliable people unless you want to watch the clock and wonder how long it will take for it all to be over.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Looks like this will be a red-letter week for you! Whether it'll be of the scarlet letter variety is yet to be determined. Wednesday seems to indicate it will, as someone gets morally high-handed with you. The best thing to do is point out how little authority they have (you'll be quick with the comebacks that this week, too), or revel in your sluttiness and wear that letter like a medal.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You'll be all over the place this week: you'll feel like having more emotional, open sex on Tuesday, but on Wednesday you'll want to do a lot of crazy, freakish things. Don't worry about your variable tastes. You're very lucky this week, and your cautious-yet-curious nature will only lead you to new levels of happiness and some particularly great sex.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week you'll be like Joel Siegel or one of the other super-quotable critics who say things like "You'll get deflowered all over again by The 40-Year- Old Virgin!" Your ability to boil everything down to enthusiastic quips will serve you well, helping you see the world in a simple way that'll be a nice antidote to your recent neurotic worries. Don't let people call you anti-intellectual, however. All happy families may be the same, but they're still happy, which is better than being all deep and miserable.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
The temptation to argue with self-righteous people will be really strong this week. It may not turn out well, however. It's more likely to be along the lines of the experience the stars' friend had meeting George W. Bush a few years back. The guy told Bush he hadn't voted for him and hoped he would only serve one term. Bush said, "Yeah, well, who cares what you think." Especially on Thursday and Friday, you will find yourself on dates like that, so either keep your mouth shut and fool around with them, or go home alone.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
It sure would be great if people were a smidge more grateful to you this week. It's not just a couple of perfunctory thank yous that make a person feel good. They could try displaying their gratitude or friendship with a present, by picking up the check, or by saying "No, here, use MY sock to clean up the sex goo." On Thursday and Friday, your temper may fray a bit if you're not properly appreciated. Some people may jog or bike off these frustrations, but you should sleep with someone who is nice and grateful. It'll not only give some rest to your ever-rolling eyes but will also give you something to be thankful for.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
You're in a good mood this week! Monday begins with a spurt of smiles and friendly arm pats. Later in the week, though, you'll have one of those wonderful, five-hour relationships where you form a quick and easy bond, giggling over shared jokes like you've been friends forever. Then they hug you goodbye and you experience the poignant farewell of a real relationship without ever having to see them again, or even admit the existence of your brief love. Over the weekend, you'll want to retreat into your house and mope around to Wilco songs, so be sure to make room for that in your schedule.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
promotion
Early this week, you'll realize that someone you've sexually overlooked is actually well worth pursuing. Your initial impression — that this person was boring and not all that hot — will be proven utterly wrong. Luckily you're very charming these days, managing to say the right thing with alarming regularity. That will come in handy this weekend, when this mystery person makes a third impression: great in bed.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Break out the decoder pens and invisible ink: you're in the mood for intrigue. Stealthily sidle up to an ambassador — or at least someone who has something to do with Moscow or Malta — and wow them with your tuxedo or with dazzling décolletage. Find out what makes them tick and then get at their state secrets. Just watch out for Thursday, when you're likely to lose your patience unless you remind yourself to stay calm. If you're going to get your hands on that dossier, you'll need to keep your cool.
