Watch: English soccer star Wayne Rooney's sex tape

Wayne Rooney, the famous British soccer star (above, right) that many of you didn't know existed before this sentence, is embroiled in a high-profile sex scandal. As our gossip-hungry friends across the pond already know, Rooney cheated on his wife with expensive prostitute Jenny Thompson (above, so not right).

And for eager Googlers awaiting the Wayne Rooney sex scandal to produce a Wayne Rooney sex tape, the Internet has delivered... this:

That's a clip from NextMedia World Edition, Taiwan's premiere "animated news" source. The CGI video features the "randy" Manchester United player: having doggy-style sex with a woman solving a sudoku puzzle, receiving oral sex from a denture-free senior citizen apparently known as "Auld Slapper," and getting ejected from his home by his wife. If you're confounded by these inclusions, then you didn't read the drop-down text on NextMedia's YouTube page, abridged here:

[Ms. Thompson] said that Rooney had a threesome with her and a friend. She said the sex was "boring." In 2004, it was reported Rooney had visited grandmother Patricia Tierney for sex. This latest scandal could spell the end of his two-year marriage to childhood sweetheart Colleen.

But even the buttoned-up Taiwanese media couldn't help ending the news item with a jab at English football:

England fans, however, are more concerned that the story will lead Rooney to perform as badly as he did at the recent World Cup.

Hey-O!

Via BuzzFeed