Right off the bat, let me state for the record I'm a big fan of the randy, ribald, filthy, sleazy dirty talk during the act of sex  - that is… as long as I'm not the one that has to do the talking.

In all my relationships, there's just never been any parity as far as that's concerned. I don't really know why this is, as I'm quite verbose. I'll gladly chatter on like a mina bird at length on any number of topics, yet for some reason I clam up 'in the clinch'. That's not to say I'm totally mute, I mean I do a lot of moaning, 'oh god-ing', and such, I just never really get into specifics.

I guess when it comes to talking in the sack, I'm more 'Rain Man' than 'Baudelaire'...

'uh oh... 5 minutes to coming... 5 minutes to coming... uh oh'
 
I suppose this is all terribly unfair, but hopefully I make up for it in the nuts and bolts.

This is why I've never been a big 'phone sex' guy. First off, I hate talking on the phone under any circumstance. I hate the sound of my voice, and I just wind up grunting banalities like...

'aw yeah baby..'  …or the ultra clichéd

'What are you doing right now?'

Truly, I'm a lame dirty talker.

Still, I expect it out of my partner. I enjoy hearing that torrent of filth spewing out of her mouth whilst we make the beast with two backs. Of course once you've been in a relationship awhile, the dialogue does tend to become a bit on the predictable side. That's OK though, I mean, if I enjoy a movie, I'll see that fucker like a hundred times and never get bored.

All this being said, one arena in which I excel or rather, used to excel -  as I'm currently in a relationship - is cyber sex.

As a writer, the venue is particularly suited to my sensibilities. I mean what other way can you get off whilst practicing your prose? All my skills are put to the test, as my one hand types away furiously like the main character in ‘My Left Foot’ -  only with more drool, and perversion. Women on the other hand tend to prefer the phone sex, as they're always whining about how it's too difficult to diddle themselves while typing.

I never had this problem as I'm an excellent multi-tasker – especially when it comes to masturbation.

I guess when I think about it, I'm pretty selfish when it comes to the 'sauces and pickles' related to sex. For one thing, I've never once taken a nude photo of myself, yet I've happily received a few over the years from some kind and willing models I've known. I always would feel guilty about this unfair disparity - of course this never prevented me from accepting the generous offerings.

Now that I'm in a relationship, all this stuff makes you wonder...

Who else has she said these things to? What other photos of her are floating around the electric corridors of the internets? If you think about it, all of this tertiary sex play is even more personal than the act itself! I mean, the mechanics of sex are pretty standard - it’s everything else that goes along with it that makes it unique. The ‘sauces and pickles’… 

I guess these are thoughts we all push to the backs of our brains, like that horrifying snippet of the 'boy with the 160 pound tumor' I accidentally landed on while channel surfing the other day.

It's just not anything you want to think about.

I guess there are dimensions to everything, and layers that don't need to be delved into. Who knows... Maybe that's why I just shut my mouth and moan.

 

 

the succulent Helen Mirren...actress and GILF-alicious Brit...

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The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.

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The brass ring