Speaking candidly on the matter of anal sex, please allow me to lay down upon you two universal truths:
1) Most women say they either hate it or are afraid of it.
2) They all love it (though some may not know it yet).
One thing for certain when it comes to relationships, you should definitely go for the anal sooner rather than later. If you make a big deal about it, hem and haw, and turn it into this grand event, it just loses the impact. I say if you meet someone new, and you're kinda diggin' her, go for it right off the bat… fuck her in the ass.
I had one girlfriend who would always say to me, 'If you let me fuck you in the ass with a dildo, then I'll let you fuck me in the ass with your cock!' Like those two things are even comparable! There is so much more baggage that comes along with fucking a man in the ass. Come now! Jesus, talk about your serious control issues. She would have gotten off on fucking me in the ass I'll bet. Come to think of it, she DID fuck me in the ass - at least metaphorically speaking - as she wound up dating a good friend of mine after we broke up. In the end she got her wish I guess. Anyway, the kicker of the story is that I did eventually wind up in her ass and she LOVED it. She couldn't get enough of it! So you see, even the ones with control issues dig on the cornholing.
Some women have tried sticking things up my ass, but I'm just not into that. Of course, nowadays I can get off with a Doctor's note – Zeitgeisty will not be able to participate in ass-play as his hemorrhoids have been acting up. I've even had the note laminated for safe measure. I must say, the fact that I sometimes get hemorrhoids has taken a bit of the fun out of anal sex, as I can empathize when it comes to rectal pain.
The state of empathy is just not conducive to fucking someone in the ass.
One time I was getting fellatio from this girl, and she stuck her finger up my rectum. I clenched up and yelped in agony. She persisted, saying that massaging the prostate would heighten my pleasure and that I just needed to go with it. Well, I figured I'd try it at least once, so I let her continue. I must say it was an odd sensation. As she went on with her business, I felt all loose 'down there'...'out of control' - if you catch my drift. By the time I approached orgasm, I felt like I was gonna shit all over the bed, I think I might have even yelled out a warning, 'Look out below!!'. I shut my eyes and went with it, praying I didn't spray her in the face with a steaming load of feces. Thankfully I did not encounter any bowel release.
It was ok I guess, not anything I'd make a practice out of. The thing was though, she had long fingernails…very long finger nails. The next day at work, I kept shifting around in my seat with an ache in my ass that just would not quit. Who know, maybe that's what started my hemorrhoid situation!!
The whole experience definitely kind of dampened my enthusiasm for sodomy.
When it comes to sex, you can really learn a lot about your partner by just sticking a finger up her butt while you're fucking. If she squirms and pushes your hand away, I say you need to reassess or rather re-ASS-ess. It's really a good way of telling whether she's a tight ass or not – literally AND figuratively.
Alright, I know I'll hear from some of you how I didn't like having a finger up my ass, so why should I expect my partner to. I hear you, it's a double standard no doubt, but it's a turn on.
Of course, this poses the question, 'What exactly IS the turn on?'
I don't know if I can give you a proper answer to that. It's just a fact that every guy I know wants to get in the ass of his girlfriend, it's a need. Maybe it's the taboo, maybe it's some psychological expulsive/retentive deal, whatever it is - it exists.
For me the anal thing is a 'touchstone'. When you're in a relationship, you need certain things that you can call upon to activate the libido when things have gone stale. These are what I refer to as 'touchstones'. The more touchstones there are, the better chance there is in the relationship lasting. These touchstones are all supremely subjective. In my case, they are relatively tame, even quaint – colossal jugs, armpit hair (that's rare), a sexy nose, a nice big warm ass, and a willingness on her part to let me stick things in it.
Man, if I could get all of them in one woman, with a brain, who enjoys watching old movies, pontificating, and Bob Dylan I might consider marriage..
After reading this, you might ask, 'Well what if you met the PERFECT woman in every regard, except she didn't like anal sex'.. Well, I would refer you to Universal truth number two.
She loves it…She just doesn't KNOW it yet!!
The thing is, as a man, YOU want to be the one to MAKE her know it. Then again she could have hemorrhoids, in which case she would need to present me with a Doctor's note and I could show her how to laminate it.
Bottom line on bangin' butt, it's aces. It's saucy! If you'll pardon the digusting imagery… Moreover, it's a true measuring stick as to where you're at in a relationship, who you're WITH in a relationship and whether you're having a good ole' time.
I think I'll end this discussion with some eloquent words from our seventh president, Andrew Jackson (Old Hickory to his friends) who was once overheard at a white house function merrily stating..
" Ain't no one getting anal from their ole' lady ain't got no smile on their face… "
Whatta perv!
The sexy Norah O'Donnell... CNN pundit...