Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.
I’m not going to lie to you folks. This project has been a struggle at times. Devoting my full attention to such works as Track of the Moon Beast, Marci X and Soccer Dog: The Movie is not easy, but all along I’ve known that if I just kept plugging away, eventually I would be rewarded with Anus Magillicutty.
It’s true that I knew nothing about Anus Magillicutty aside from the title, but that only added to its mystique. I had to know more, and I had to share my knowledge with you fine people, because you have been anticipating this moment as eagerly as I have. Who is Anus Magillicutty? Is he man or myth? Does he bring vengeance in tiny boxes for us to unwrap? Or is he simply an asshole, repugnant in every way, just like the movie that bears his name?
Please. This is Unwatchable, after all, so there’s no prize if you guessed the latter. To say that Anus Magillicutty is a disappointment is to admit that I had any expectations for Anus Magillicutty in the first place. It’s sort of like being disappointed by a kick in the balls, or let down by an episode of According to Jim. When it was over, I found myself actively wishing harm on those who made it, any loved ones who encouraged them to make it, and their employers (should they exist) who wittingly or not subsidized its making. Without knowing anything about producers Henry Lloyd and Moishe Goldgarb, director Morey Fineburgh and writer Abraham Fineburgh, I’m going to assume they work as bartenders in a strip club and that they made Anus Magillicutty with their tips.
Here is what happens in Anus Magillicutty: Anus (Lloyd) sits at a bar and tells us, in voice-over, that he really likes tits. A five-minute softcore sex scene between Anus and the bartender (Paige Abbot) ensues, during which much of the footage is recycled several times. Then someone arrives to kill Anus, but the bartender kills him instead. Then someone who is apparently supposed to be Anus’s father, but who doesn’t actually appear to be any older than Anus, tells him to take out the garbage. For a long, long time. Finally, Anus does take out the garbage, which contains a skeletal corpse. He tries to leave it in a dumpster, but the guy in the mullet wig who lives behind the dumpster won’t let him. Eventually Anus learns that the man behind the assassination attempt is his former friend Chee-Chee, whose girl he screwed. Satan makes a cameo appearance at the end to take the corpse off Anus’s hands.
This “plot summary” can’t capture the experience of watching all 68 minutes of Anus Magillicutty, which is padded out with extended sequences of naked women showering, making out with each other, and fellating bananas. These sequences are unexplained and unmotivated, but at least they contain naked women, unlike equally inexplicable interludes such as Father Magillicutty dancing in his underwear or Chee-Chee fondling two honeys in a bar while running his tongue over his disgusting teeth. According to this site, Anus Magillicutty was made for a budget of $5000, which I’m guessing is a generous overstatement, and is intended for audiences aged 19-30, which must be a misprint – surely they mean it’s intended for audiences with IQs ranging from 19-30. Anus Magillicutty has no script, no actors, no production values and no visual sense. However, as I’ve mentioned, it does have titty.
The DVD cover of Anus Magillicutty proudly proclaims it as “The Worst Movie Ever Made.” Here’s hoping its makers only realized this after showing Anus to sentient human beings. Because if they intentionally set out to make the most worthless piece of shit possible, they’re even bigger idiots than they already seem to be.
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Previously on Unwatchable:
80. The Smokers
81. Soccer Dog: The Movie
82. American Soldiers
83. First Sunday
84. It’s Pat