What with The Screengrab being a suburban subdivision of hooksexup.com, itself succinctly defined by Wikipedia as “an American online magazine dedicated to SEX, relationships and culture,” it’s entirely possible that all you nice people out there already know this, but it’s news to me, so I thought I’d share: if you go all the way to the back corner of the Internet Movie Database, through the beaded curtain, down the dimly-lit stairs and behind the green door, there’s a sleazy little sub-basement even deeper underground than our fearless movie janitor Scott Von Doviak’s IMDB Bottom 100...and it’s completely filled with PORN!!!!!
And I don’t mean Zalman King-esque softcore erotica like Two Moon Junction. I’m talking Gilligan’s Bi-Land, The Anus Family and Blow Job Adventures of Dr. Fellatio 2 down-and-dirty bachelor-party-stag-film PORN!
Now, don’t ask how I stumbled upon this discovery. It’s not what you think, I swear. And I’d tell you the whole story, but it involves a (possibly drunken) revelation by a complete stranger at a D-list awards show, about an estranged family member who’s spent the past few decades shaming her father’s good and quasi-famous name as an adult film actress, and I really don't wish to be the cause of any more heartache for the family. But the upshot of the whole thing was, at one point in the evening, the aforementioned (possibly drunken) stranger casually mentioned how she actively avoids the Internet Movie Database and discourages people from using it, lest they inadvertently discover the fateful and unfortunate link between her silver fox husband and his bleach-blonde black sheep progeny.
Naturally, I jumped on the computer as soon as I got home, and immediately clicked over to the IMDB to see if the stranger’s cockamamie story could possibly be true. First I looked up the father...and there, right under his date of birth and hometown was a listing of the veteran actor’s family members...including, yes, the infamous link to his estranged daughter’s very own database page, featuring 31 “acting” credits in roles ranging from “Teen Hiding In Closet” and “First Rape Victim” to a cameo (as herself) opposite Ron Jeremy, whose own database page, had I ever bothered to check it out before, would have clued me into the IMDB’s hidden porn stash long before now, given its genre-busting inclusion of credits ranging from Nash Bridges to Faster Pussycat, Fuck! Fuck!
Now, of course, given the ancient bond between porn and the internet, I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that a seemingly benign, all-ages resource like the Internet Movie Database would also feature the complete filmographies of Busty Belle, Long Dong Silver and a certain bad seed celebrity offspring who shall continue to remain nameless, though it does nevertheless seem a bit...odd.
But now, at least, I not only know that my Bacon Number is 2, but also that my Hedgehog Number is 4, to wit:
Andrew Osborne was in The F Word (2005) with Sam Rockwell
Sam Rockwell was in Frost/Nixon (2008) with Kevin Bacon
Kevin Bacon was in Death Sentence (2007) with Kelly Preston
And Kelly Preston was in 52 Pick-Up (1986) with, yes, Ron Jeremy...meaning that I, too, am now linked to a porn star.
Thank you, Internet Movie Database!