January and February are the traditional dumping ground for the movies Hollywood has given up on. They weren’t good enough to release at the end of the year to qualify for awards consideration, and they don’t have the commercial potential to secure a coveted summer weekend. So what better time to revive a favorite Screengrab feature of yore, in which I preview upcoming releases I know little or nothing about based solely on their posters?
MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D (Jan. 16)
At first I assumed this was one of those IMAX concert movies featuring a reunion of the seminal ‘80s shoegazer band. Sure, it’s an odd image to promote such an event, but it’s not out of the question that the aging members of My Bloody Valentine would choose to hide behind gas masks. On further reflection, however, it’s more likely that this is an ad for a remake of the ‘80s slasher movie. I still don’t really understand the gas masks and pick-axes, but hey – 3D! How bad could it be?
INKHEART (Jan. 23)
It’s time for another reunion of our favorite buddy movie pairing – Brendan Fraser and crappy CGI effects! You loved them in The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, you tolerated them in Journey to the Center of the Earth, and you’ll reluctantly accompany the kids to Inkheart, in which Fraser finds a magical library book that brings unicorns and fairies to life.
THE UNINVITED (Jan. 30)
As I indicated earlier, I have done absolutely no research on any of these movies beyond a careful examination of the poster art. So I have no way of knowing whether or not this is actually a remake of a J-horror film, or if it just wants to look that way. I’m going to assume the plot revolves around frightening vampire children terrorizing the new family on the block. It’s apparently not in 3D, though, so you can probably skip it.
NEW IN TOWN (Jan. 30)
Renee Zellweger is a snooty, power-hungry big city executive who is horrified to learn she’s being shipped off to the Alaska branch. Lucky for her, the quirky small-town residents melt her heart, and she learns there’s more to life than a corner office and double skinny lattes. If you loved Northern Exposure, or even vaguely remember it, you’ll find this comedy safe and unthreatening!
THE INTERNATIONAL (Feb. 13)
I envision a dash of Jason Bourne, a pinch of Eagle Eye-style paranoid techno-thriller, a vast conspiracy, stylish Euro-locations and some visual razzle-dazzle when things get slow. Clive Owen is no doubt an ordinary guy swept up in machinations he doesn’t comprehend, while Naomi Watts is the innocent he drags around until she falls for his roguish charm. You’ll see this on a slow weekend. Later you’ll forget you saw it and put it in your Netflix queue.
Related:
Screengrab Movie Poster Preview
Poster-Modernism