OLIVER & BARBARA ROSE, THE WAR OF THE ROSES (1989)
Danny DeVito’s black-heart Valentine may not be a great movie, but it’s still a pretty good one, a neat little primer of stereotypes (and uncomfortable truths) of sexual politics in the late 20th century (as well as an emetic corrective to the Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan oeuvre of junk food Hollywood romance. In the midst of a contentious turf battle with his soon to be ex-wife, DeVito’s character warns his client, Oliver, that when it comes to divorce, “There is no winning! Only degrees of losing!” Naturally, Oliver doesn’t listen: not only is he arrogant and stubborn, but he’s also played by Michael Douglas, and so our sympathies at first are with his long-suffering spouse, Barbara (Kathleen Turner)...that is, until we realize Barbara is just as hateful in her cold, ruthless femininity as Oliver is in his chauvinist manhood. And so the couple’s mutual hostility escalates into an archetypal battle of the sexes where both sides are right and both sides are wrong: Barbara can’t stand her corporate asshole of a husband, yet feels entitled to the lavish house she transformed into a home with his corporate asshole money, prompting Oliver’s angry reminder, “It’s a lot easier to spend it than it is to make it, honeybun!” On the flip side of the gender equation, Oliver treats his wife like shit, yet naively expects her to keep providing love and validation (or, in Barbara’s words, “You expect me to keep reassuring you sexually even now when we disgust each other?”), leading to a grim moment of Pyrrhic victory in the movie’s final minutes that speaks volumes about the real balance of power in most American marriages.
BILL & ABBY & THE FARMER, DAYS OF HEAVEN (1978)
It’s a story as old as the Bible. Lovers on the run pretend to be siblings while in a land strange to them. She is beautiful, and the local patriarch is interested in her. She marries the guy -- what choice does she have? -- and here’s where the stories diverge. In one, her god is displeased and smites the land with a plague. In another, her god reveals the truth to her false husband in a dream, and he makes amends with extravagant gifts, even though he was the one deceived. In the last, her false husband catches her cavorting with her lover, and figures it all out. All three come to pass in Days of Heaven. Bill (Richard Gere) and Abby (Brooke Adams) are on the run after he’s killed his boss in a fight. They arrive in the extraordinarily lush and beautiful Texas fields (so lush, in fact, that they’re actually in Canada, not Texas) of The Farmer (Sam Shepard), where they pretend to be siblings so that no one will connect them with the murder back in Chicago. They put in a season’s worth of work, and the Farmer, smitten with Abby, asks her to stay. Bill encourages her to marry him because the Farmer is ill, and Bill can see salad days before them. She does indeed marry the Farmer, but not long after, the Farmer figures out the score between them. He gives Bill money to leave. While Bill’s gone, those plan falls apart: not only does the Farmer thrive, but Abby begins to love him. Abby is surprisingly passive throughout the movie. Maybe not too surprising, given that the story takes place in 1916, when Victorian morality still ran rampant through this country. But all she does is love. First Bill, then the Farmer. And from her innocent love will come only plague and death. After all, this isn't the Bible; it's Texas.
THE MONSTER & THE MONSTER’S MATE, BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1935)
It’s said by some that the closest, most loving couples act like they were made for each other. James Whale’s early horror classic proves how awful that can be in practice – at least when it’s taken literally. Of course, it’s a pretty fine distinction whether or not a married couple is better off when only one partner is made out of the stitched-together and reanimated hunks of deceased criminals or just one of them is; on the one hand, it’s good for a long-term couple to share the same interests, but on the other hand, there is such a thing as spending too much time together. In the sequel to Frankenstein, the creature makes a shocking return, and doesn’t have to bend Dr. Frankenstein and the overeager Dr. Pretorius’ arms too hard to get them to head into the lab and create for him a mate, in the form of the breathtaking Elsa Lanchester. Unfortunately, the Bride doesn’t quite react as well to her post-corpse existence as does the Modern Prometheus, and she’s even less pleased at the matchmaking that’s taken place without her consent. Her eerie, spastic behavior makes it clear to the Monster that wedded bliss is a remote possibility, and since there’s no divorce court for inhuman monsters (at least ones not rich enough to hire Raoul Felder), he decides to return to the sweet embrace of death, muttering a line that anticipates Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?: “We belong dead.”
CHARLIE PARTANNA & IRENE WALKER, PRIZZI’S HONOR (1985)
“Do I ice her? Do I marry her? Which of these things?” Jack Nicholson’s mafia hitman, Charlie Partanna, asks a question most potential bridegrooms never get around to asking themselves in this underrated John Huston black comedy about the dangers of mixing business with pleasure. In Prizzi’s Honor, Nicholson plays a high-ranking mob killer who meets the lovely Irene Walker (played by Kathleen Turner, who, as one of the modern era’s great femmes fatale, has played the distaff side of many great bloody screen couples), and, upon pursuing her, discovers that they share an uncommon occupation. Naturally it’s good to have things in common, as the calculating Maerose Prizzi (played to perfection by Anjelica Huston) points out while encouraging Charlie to wed Irene, but the perils of a couple working together are well-known to relationship counselors, and it’s particularly exacerbated when the work they do involves murdering people for profit. It’s no surprise that the movie sets up an eventual, and fatal, confrontation between the two killers, but how it arrives at that inexorable conclusion is a surprise and a delight for most of its running time, especially as Nicholson’s sometimes-befuddled traditionalist and Turner’s gregarious maverick play off one another.
BART TARE & ANNIE LAURIE STARR, GUN CRAZY (1950)
It’s a cliché that a gun is a phallic stand-in for some people, but few movies make that association more explicit – especially given the cinematic restrictions of the time – than Joseph H. Lewis’ terrific overheated noir thriller Gun Crazy. Tightly-wound, desperately alone John Dall as Bart Tare has only ever loved one thing: shooting. That all changes when he runs into trick shooter Annie Laurie Starr (a gorgeously ruined Peggy Cummins) at a touring carnival; after a notoriously sexy scene that sublimates carnal desire into gun-love in ways that Wayne LaPierre could only dream of, they’re hooked into each other for life. But while Bart only wants the love of the only woman who could ever outgun him, Annie, one of noir’s slickest femmes fatale, wants the good life, and she isn’t going to let anything, not even Bart’s reluctance to commit crimes, stand in her way. She’s been beaten down bad by life, and the way she figures it, it’s about time for life to get a taste of its own medicine. All noir films are saturated with a sense of doom, but Gun Crazy’s is downright oppressive, as Bart reluctantly embarks on a life of crime knowing he’s helpless in the face of his love for Annie. But while his course is set, his eyes are wide open, and there’s a terrifically revelatory scene after their last big caper ends up bloodier than anticipated: “Two people dead,” he spits at her, “just so we can live without working!” It’s too late, though, always too late, and in the end, Bart and Laurie, who go together like guns and ammunition, end up the only way they could, like cold spent shells on the ground.
Click Here For Part One, Two, Four, Five, Six & Seven
Contributors: Andrew Osborne, Hayden Childs, Leonard Pierce