Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.
Now that the Mickey Rourke comeback arc is complete – with our redeemed hero falling just short of the ultimate prize, a Best Actor Oscar – what better time to look back at one of the movies that made a comeback necessary in the first place? By 1997, Rourke’s star had already fallen far enough for him to reprise his role as wealthy investor John Grey in a straight-to-video sequel to 9 ½ Weeks (after he’d already reteamed with Weeks director/sleazemeister Adrian Lyne for the quasi-sequel Wild Orchid). The halcyon days of Johnny Handsome and Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man were but a distant memory.
In 1997, Kim Basinger was starring in L.A. Confidential, for which she won an Oscar. Clearly her priorities did not including returning for another romp in the sheets with Rourke, especially since she apparently didn’t have all that much fun the first time around. So the plot of Another 9 ½ Weeks becomes Grey’s search for his erstwhile playmate Elizabeth McGraw, which leads him into the treacherous arms of her former friend, fashion designer Lea Calot. Lea is played by supermodel Angie Everhart. You may have noticed that nobody ever refers to her as superactress Angie Everhart. There is a good reason for this, and plenty of evidence in support of this reason is provided in Another 9 ½ Weeks.
We know John Grey is in a bad place as the movie begins because he’s playing Russian roulette in a darkened room. If the chamber had only spun a little further, Another 9 ½ Weeks would have ended at the three-minute mark, but alas, fate spares John and he must struggle on. He hires a blonde, leggy hooker to go through the motions with him, but that’s not good enough, so it’s off to Paris to track down his lost love and win her back.
At an auction of Elizabeth’s artwork, John places the winning bid on all of her paintings, yet even this gesture is not enough to make her materialize before him. His efforts do attract the attention of the aforementioned Lea, who leads him on with tantalizing hints about Elizabeth’s whereabouts. Lea has read Elizabeth’s diary of her affair with John, conveniently titled 9 ½ Weeks, so she knows all his tricks and catchphrases and is eager to experience them firsthand. This leads us into the true test of any erotic thriller worth its rental price: How ludicrous/icky/unintentionally hilarious are the sex scenes?
Let’s see…first there’s Lea’s reverse strip-tease, in which she slowly dons a business suit while John struggles to remain conscious on the bed. (In his defense, it does look like an awfully comfy bed.) Then there’s a brief interlude at a party where women are kissing other women and one half-naked beauty has hot candle wax dripped all over her body. (I’ll pause here while you vigorously masturbate.) After blindfolding John, Lea and her lovely assistant Claire (Agathe de la Fontaine) do a hot bump ‘n grind routine, which is especially enjoyable for him because he’s fucking blindfolded! Eventually John gets around to re-enacting his greatest hits from the first movie, such as covering Lea in rose petals and dumping wine and honey all over her naked writhing body.
Finally comes the big reveal, courtesy of Lea’s pompous Eurotrash business partner: Elizabeth is dead! She became a junkie and OD’d! Which only raises more questions, like…John couldn’t find this out on his own? This isn’t public knowledge? He has enough money to buy her entire collection of paintings, but he can’t hire a PI to find her clearly marked tombstone? I’d say he’s not such a bright guy, but then again, he’s the one who got to drizzle honey all over a naked Angie Everhart – and wouldn’t it be nice to think that was his plan all along?
Previously on Unwatchable:
46. 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain
47. Creepshow 3
48. Cool as Ice
49. Laserblast
50. Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace