Oh, sorry brah; what we meant to say is "you failed at the most lamest demonstration ever." The full story after the jump.
So, here's the thing: when we get home from a hard day at work, turn on our cable box, and note that not only is Criss Angel: Mindfreak new tonight, but also LIVE! And involves the destruction of an old hotel! Well, we can't fight that, no matter how ridiculous we find the Angel schtick. (And we really find it laughable. Seriously: give us David Blaine and Doug Henning's corpse over this guy any day and twice on Sunday.) Which is how we found ourselves tuned in last night to A&E"s broadcast of what Criss himself is claiming to be his final stun... er, demonstration. Good riddance, meet bad rubbish!
All right, so the setup goes like this: Criss is gonna prance around a parking lot near Scientology World HQ, where he would channel his engrams into making unhealthy people squeal, and then he would get himself cuffed to the railing of a hotel, and then he'd give the signal to light the place up and scream "Never forget!" as the building came down around his stinky, manicured self. Or something. Awesome. Whatever. We hate ourselves and we like controlled demolition as much as the next guy. So, we're in.
Well, here's what happened: after turning a car into "6 fantasy girls" and producing a Mexican lady from a suitcase -- both of which are much better tricks if you think of them in reverse -- Criss got himself strapped in to the hotel railing, and started moaning about the rain making his lock picks and his lisp more slippery. Well, too late, Criss, we've put a deposit on the C4 and we can't bring it back, so... we're off!
A few seconds in, Criss is already behind schedule, according to host Tim Britishman*, and after getting the cuffs off, Criss tries the lock on the door -- and it's giving him some problems too.
So, he kicks the window in and jumps through.
FAIL! SUPERFAIL! That is NOT the trick we were supposed to get, Crissy! Why have you failed America?
Ah, no time to consider this, as Criss is moving on, jumping through hallways, picking other locks and running some more as he makes his way to the roof and a rope ladder attached to a helicopter to whisk him away. And this is where it hits us: there's really nothing here more than a guy with a vest and no shirt picking locks, breaking windows, and running. OK, well, that's not magic, right? That's a felony. Like, who's gonna check him for sharps when this is over? And to this we say: not too shabby, A&E. When you put together The Smash & Grab Family Hour, we are there.
And what's this? Tim Britishguy* is telling us that Criss had planned to be on the roof by now? What? He was supposed to be there 30 seconds ago. What??? That last lock conveniently located over the A&E logo is holding him up?
Hang on. Are we watching television history here? Is Criss Angel gonna buy the farm on our very own TV tonight? Is the chopper that was supposed to pick Criss up off the roof of the building really leaving him behind?
And that's when the building comes down.
Oh, good grief America? What has A&E done? We'll tell you: they've murdered the greatest illusionist of his time in cold blood, and all for what? For steadily declining ratings and a bunch of herpetic...
Oh, never mind.
Of course, by this point, we already knew he was gonna pop from the rubble somewhere, and that it had all been a total sham, and a kind of crummy hour of tv -- basically we'd just had the heist from Ocean's Eleven hoist upon us -- and our wife goes "Cameron Diaz dated him?"
"Yeth," we reply; "yeth, she did."
*Not his real name.