One of the big questions of this year is "Will Heroes get its powers back?" After a lackluster sophomore season, creator Tim Kring has promised to amp up the show considerably this year, introducing way more about the dark side of Peter, Claire, and the rest (and, one presumes, avoiding all time travel to Boringville). Plus NBC pulled out all the stops promoting the new "Villains" storyline, throwing a gala bash and letting them open with a two-hour movie premiere.
But did it work? We've yet again enlisted the aid of imaginary fights expert Jake Kalish to help us figure it out.
As a published author on the much-researched subject of imaginary fights, I hope to offer some much needed expert insight to this third season of Heroes. Periodically, in the course of discussing the program, I will attempt to elucidate some overlooked abilities and weaknesses evident in the program, while eliminating your need to actually watch the show. Save your Tivo, save the world. So here goes:
I turn on my TV at 8:58, to see NBC and the Heroes stars giving an extended countdown to the show's premiere. Anybody want to celebrate themselves?
Weakness: An inflated sense of self-importance. You're a TV show, not a New Year.
The show begins 4 years in the future, with Claire pointing a gun at Peter. Hey! They're a real-life couple. This'll be such an adorable murder! But no – Peter time travels back 4 years, and Future Peter shoots his brother Nathan, as Present Peter runs after Future Peter, and Bill and Ted leave George Carlin in the phone booth to go talk to Bill and Ted. Nathan's dead – but in Heroes, that's no biggie. Surprise! So not dead anymore.
Ability: To make death seem temporary and irrelevant. What'll happen if I stand in front of an oncoming train?
Meanwhile, Hiro has inherited his father's power and fortune, and is acting like a complacent, bored little rich boy. His Daddy left him a tape saying not to open a safe and look inside, or the world will be in danger – but Hiro wants to. When did one of TV's coolest characters turn into a spoiled little baby? Sylar pays Claire a visit in Cali, and the show is genuinely creepy and scary, for maybe the first time since season 1. That's what I'm talking about! Still, I find myself wondering what sort of simian Zachary Quinto most resembles.
Winner: Rhesus monkey.
Maya the foxy murderous Latina has almost totally lost her accent, and now has the vocabulary of a television writer. Her hidden ability is clearly language acquisition. Still, she's so absurdly hot nothing matters, and I lose track of the show's next three minutes. Your loss is my Kleenex's gain. (Ed: Ew.) My refractory period begins with Hiro, of course, taking what he's not supposed to – some sort of secret formula, which is stolen by a Speedster – a speed-of-sound-traveling cute blonde with spiky hair. She's fast? Really? That's what they came up with? Future Peter then morphs into Present Peter (which means losing the big mean scar running down his face) to phase Parkman somewhere far away, which has the much-welcomed effect of taking that dopey schlub out of the show for a good long time.
Weakness: For all their powers, the Heroes villains have no ability to avoid looking like villains.
A not dead Nathan Petrelli is really into Jesus, and, in a church, says “Save ourselves, save the World,” which seems like it'll be the theme for this season. Please see Weakness #1. Thankfully, we go back to Sylar and Claire. After a good ol' horror movie chase, he opens her head, and examines her brain. Then, weirdly, he gets all philosophical, asking “How do we make love stay?” She asks “Are you going to eat it?” This would be excellent bedroom dialogue, were she not talking about her brain. Sylar takes on Claire's healing powers, but doesn't kill her – because, apparently, Claire can never die. She is strangely unpsyched to hear this news. Hiro looks into the future to see what will go wrong. It's bad, but future fucked up Tokyo still looks super cool. Back to Mohinder and foxy Maya. She is still just as Kleenexworthy, but, not being a superhero myself, I have to let the moment pass. Mohinder discovers that Maya's death power is adrenalin based – and concludes that he can just take her adrenalin, and we all can be superheroes. Power junkie Dr. Soresh injects himself with superhero juice, and for no good reason, starts quoting W.B. Yeats' The Second Coming. Things fall apart, indeed. Then Angela Petrelli starts talking to Peter about the Butterfly Effect, and suddenly it's my sophomore year of college. She tells her son we shouldn't mess with time. Good point, but then what the hell was Hiro doing those first two seasons? Back to doped-up Mohinder, who is climbing walls and doing backflips while shirtless – and ripped! Maya happens upon him all Skinemax style. Those are two very good looking brown people. He kisses her, rips off her shirt, takes her down to Doctor Town. Go Soresh!
Ali Larter sighting – she's got a new name, Tracy Strauss, and is working as a governor's aide. A reporter comes by asking questions about her stripper past – and, holy hell, that reporter is William Katt, formerly the Greatest American Hero! The Greatest American Hero should so be on this show. Make him Claire's flying boyfriend's kind-of flying doofus father!
Weakness: Lazy Tim Kring misses a clear opportunity to revive The Greatest American Hero.
Kristen Bell/Elle Bishop then goes after Sylar and subdues him with her lightning fingers, but in so doing, she knocks out the power in the Prilotech holding cell and lets six horrible villains out. Hey! That's who this season will be about! And, apparently, Present Peter Petrelli has been trapped in the body of one of the villains by Future Peter Petrelli. What's with that? Reporter Willam Katt approaches Ali Larter with the Nikki Sanders/Nathan Petrelli sex tape, and she turns The Greatest American Hero to ice. Believe it or not, he's chilling your drink.
Back at Horny 'Hinder's home, our favorite doctor is getting some terrible effects from the superhero juice, with lesions opening and his skin flaking off. Sex, drugs, and disease – Soresh can't just change his blood like Keith Richards? You wanna talk about indestructible... Anyway, then we're back with dumpy, boring Parkman, who's somehow in the African desert. Haven't the Africans suffered enough?
Ability: Parkman makes me angry and then sleepy every time he appears onscreen.
Then HRG has to go stop these villains, and Claire wants to fight with Daddy, but her biological mom, the one with fire hands, shows up to take care of her. To add to the parental confusion, at the close of the episode, Angela Petrelli visits a locked-up Sylar, and says she's his mom! To be Continued.....
WTF?: A Darth and Evil Luke moment?
No, don't end like that, bring back Maya for no reason instead. I'm ready for her now.
-- Jake Kalish