He's short, he's kind of jerky, and he looks a lot more like Ellen DeGeneres than George Clooney. So how is it that David Spade keeps dating the kind of beautiful, famous women the average male could only dream of?
That question has become even more interesting since the comic actor, most recently seen in Rules of Engagement, had a baby with one of his ex-girlfriends, 23-year-old former Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace. And it weighed especially heavily on the mind of one of Spade's Arizona high-school classmates, who investigated the subject for an article in Los Angeles Magazine.
So what makes ol' Joe Dirt such a hit with the ladies?
1. Confidence. Even... when we were pubescent boys, I knew Spade was the greatest ladies’ man of all time. The entire student body at Saguaro High School knew he was the campus Casanova, a walking stalk of catnip for every cheerleader and homecoming queen... I can see him flying across the gray quad on his skateboard, pirouetting around the caramel-legged girls in their short shorts and miniskirts, making them swoon and tee-hee and sigh his name.
2. Wisecracks. I often looked up and saw Spade striding before a troop of hot little desert Lolitas, each one presenting herself for his inspection. I once saw him make Tiffiny Lendrum (Best Dressed, Cheerleader) turn bright pink just by tossing a few wisecracks in her direction.
3. Brains and good teeth. “I like his teeth,” said [Spade's friend Courteney Cox Arquette]. “He has good teeth.” Funny and toothy? That’s it? She fell silent. “He’s smart,” she added. “You have to have a full package.”
4. Normality. [Spade said], “I think my only trick is... be normal and kind of have your shit together. And be consistent and reliable. Just not a flake. Really, the thing is, not to be a superflake. Don’t be an asshole.
And in case you haven't figured it out yet:
5. Nobody knows. All that virtue won’t make him a virtuoso unless he also possesses that ineffable something, that intangible quality, which eludes description, which can’t be shared any more than it can be explained.
So, great -- we haven't really learned a thing, have we? But at least we've just saved you the price of a magazine.
Images: WhosDatedWho.com
Previously:
Jimmy Kimmel vs. Salma Hayek: The Musical
All of a Sudden, Everybody's Talking about H@ndj*bs