First things first, to Jane Krakowski -- You win the teleprompter olympics. Seriously, we were impressed -- you didn't stutter or read with weird cadence once. On the down side, we're not sure it speaks highly of the overall quality of the show's entertainment if we had time to be impressed with your ability to read under pressure, but whatever. Go ahead girl.
To the Jonas Brothers -- We just can't get into you, and in our defense, our standards are not high -- we saw Hanson in concert twice for God's sake. We want you to know we tried, truly we did, but in the end we can't past the fact that you just come off looking like tools. P.S. We swear to God, if we see one more of your ex-girlfriends airing your relationship dirty laundry in the tabloids, we're going to stage an invention. No more dating for you.
To Jamie Foxx -- Your performance was perhaps the best of the night, but your shameless album plug at the end of your number left us feeling a little awkward -- shouldn't you have had Al Roker do that? Or at least Kermit?
To Miss Piggy -- you can go home tonight proud that of all the celebrities represented in this special, your outfit was by far the most fierce. Who needs a beating heart and a posterior unpenetrated by a gigantic forearm? Miley Cyrus and Faith Hill have nothing on you.
To Britney Spears -- First, your hair looked awesome, and we wish ours looked just like it. That said, we're fairly sure Miss Piggy wasn't the only one operated by a puppeteer last night. Girl, please. Why must you always act like a Stepford star in public these days?
To Harry Connick Jr. -- Thank You for being so hot. Seriously, we appreciate it. It would've been a cold, cold night if we'd been stuck with the likes of Joe Jonas and that guy from America's Got Talent all night long.
And finally, to Al Roker -- We think you lost us when "spending time with loved ones" came in fourth after "eating" and "shopping" on your list of things the holidays are all about.
Holiday kisses,
The Remote Island
Previously:
MTV Video Music Awards 2008: Letter to the Stars