Here's the conversation we had with our sister during the premiere of this season of The Bachelor:
Our sister: I hate Jason.
Us: What? Why? He's awesome.
Our sister: I think he's evil.
Us: You're crazy.
OMG. She was right. He is evil. And a crybaby...
The thing is, there were so many awkward moments during last night's three hour ordeal that it's difficult to know where to begin.
First, the episode...
Jason brought Ty to meet Melissa and Molly and we tried not to let ourselves be fooled by the editing which seemed to imply that Melissa was a home run and Mollly fell short. We found Melissa's string of bad jokes to be sort of endearing, especially when Jason randomly showed up carrying a lamb on a leash (why?) and Melissa came up with a sheep-themed joke on the spot ("Why was the lamb so shy? Because he was ba-a-a-shful").
Ty didn't seem that stoked on Molly even when Jason suggested they all fly his kite on the beach. We admit to stifling a giggle when Jason yelled with great excitement, "We got it up! We got it up" We are so immature.
All signs pointed to Melissa, so naturally we assumed Jason would pick Molly (we didn't watch all those godforsaken seasons of The Bachelor for nothing, ABC!). We should also make it clear that even though we knew the spoilers, we never actually believed they were true, but there were two moments when we knew we were in trouble: First, the much-hyped return of Jason's former Bachelorette paramour Deanna Pappas turned out to be a totally non-dramatic sisterly-advice sesh and the words "red herring" flashed in neon over our tv screen. Then, Molly stepped out of the limo first, ripe for Jason's rejection and we could literally feel the shit rising toward the fan. Also, Jason fell to his knees sobbing as Molly left, which if it was for real, makes us feel dodgy about him in general.
Jason's proposal and Melissa gleeful acceptance are a bit of a blur, mostly because we spent that time pacing around our bedroom muttering, "He's a liar. Jason's a LIAR!"
Suddenly, we jumped right into the After the Final Rose Special...
Chris Harrison gives that ominous speech about emotional difficulty and not having an audience. Jason shuffles out alone looking like he might throw up, and pours out his woes about how his feelings for Melissa have changed and he hasn't been able to stop thinking about Molly. Chris asks Jason how much Melissa knows, to which Jason responds with a vague "we've been talking a lot during the holidays," and we realize he was planning to blindside her on the air.
(By the way, if we were currently speaking to ABC, which we're not, we would say it was a stroke of genius to cut all the music from the ATFR special and have Chris, Jason et al sit in silence as the show goes to commercial -- we've rarely felt so uncomfortable in our lives).
Highlights from the showdown with Melissa:
• Melissa shrieking out, "I thought things were perfect!" and demanding that Jason explain himself. Jason hits her with an it's-not-you-it's-me-speech that basically boils down to him fantasizing about Molly.
• Jason: "I don't want to live my life with regrets." Melissa: "You are such a bastard."
• Melissa speaking in the third person ("You chose Melissa, you put a ring on Melissa's finger, you told Melissa you loved her, but you don't want to fight for Melissa").
• Melissa dissolving into tears and Chris Harrison breaking in with "All right, emotions are running hot. We'll be right back after this break" and reminding us he's still there.
• Melissa handing back the ring.
• Chris Harrison excusing himself so Jason and Melissa can have some privacy (now they get privacy?), and Melissa ending it with "Don't text me anymore."
Jason puts Melissa in a limo (sigh, really?), and then goes back to cry in the studio. We're completely unmoved by Jason's tears at this point. Chris Harrison tries to console him and Jason yells, "I never lied to her!" Chris: "I know." What's HAPPENING here?
They send Jason backstage to get a hold of himself, and pedal Molly out so Chris can do some recon for Jason and get a read on Molly's feelings for him. Molly tears up watching the highlight reel of her Bachelor romance, and Chris pounces on her, pressing her to admit that she's still in love with Jason. Jason comes out to greet Molly and there's something weirdly dirty about his hug.
Molly asks Jason when he knew Melissa was the one. Jason stammers around until Chris Harrison jumps in to move things along ("Jason, remember what we were talking about earlier..."). Jason tells Molly that he's just dumped Melissa on her ass. Chris asks Jason if he's still in love with Molly. Jason worries about appearing insincere. Chris decides it's time for a commercial break.
Jason tells Molly she's the one for him, which brings us to the night's most uncomfortable moment: Jason and Molly make out. They make out (!) with Melissa still rolling down the driveway. Our sister's reaction: "Oh! It was so awkward! I almost started crying!"
Jason's final thoughts: "I've been falling in love with you from the beginning, and it will never stop." Boy, please. What a tool.
Molly's final thoughts: "This is crazy."
Chris's final thoughts: "Well, I guess that's about as good as we can expect at this point."
After suffering through that horrific experience, we've narrowed it down to two possibilities: either the whole thing's fixed or Jason's a total asshole. We're leaning toward the former for three reasons:
First, during his post ATFR interview with Jimmy Kimmel, Jason used the phrase "this is my real life" four or five times, to which we responded: "You're a LIAR!"
Second, the whole thing with Melissa's fake parents had to be scripted -- we could almost hear Ed Harris' voice in the background.
Third, Jason, Melissa and Molly's sound bytes sound eerily similar to lines from Garry Marshall films. That said, just because we think the whole thing's fixed, doesn't mean Jason isn't also a total asshole.
ABC, you sit on a throne of lies.
Previously:
The Bachelor Finale SPOILERS -- Everybody Take a Deep Breath
Awkward Tuesday: Top Ten Strange Moments From The Bachelor: The Women Tell All