y the end of Valentines Day, there will be a least fifty copies of the "Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex" spam in my email box. One million more "Special Lady" foil balloons will litter the earth. And the Yankelovich Partners will appear in the media, somewhere.
Yankelovich is a market research group which does important surveys for folks like the American Boxed Chocolate Manufacturers. Last year, for instance, they asked one thousand Americans, "What type of boxed chocolate filling would most describe your ideal mate?" One third of men described their ideal mate as "creamy," one third of women chose "solid." A significant portion of both men and women described their ideal mate as "nutty." These are facts we need.
This year, I was hoping Yankelovich would report on my pet theory: that chocolate choice and sexual predilections are directly correlated. To me, one's Valentine candy selection speaks volumes about what one does in bed. The least the chocolate industry can do is give us the information we need to make the right choice. Alas, after correspondence with the media people at Yankelovich, I have learned that they are not publishing their survey this year. This saddens me, as I've come to see their data as a mark of our progress as a species. In 1999, those who hoped boxed chocolate would result in a kiss jumped to an all-time high of forty-seven percent. Is it so wrong that I wanted 2001 to turn out to be the year in which we learned what percentage hoped for, say, a rim job?
To fill the knowledge gap, I've compiled some notes to help you choose your chocolates, and to evaluate the choices of others. Some people, especially those intimate with the candy selections of their relatives, may contest, or even protest, this information. I apologize in advance, and hope I haven't set your therapy progress off too much.
Here is what your chocolate preference says about you as a lover, and remember: this is a test.
Solid dark
Here's an odd fact: the less digestible a piece of chocolate is, the more costly it tends to be. Here's another: goth children are able to locate the most expensive unwearable item in any used clothing store. Those who choose solid dark chocolate favor stylish, Anne Riceinflected humping. If you are the humpee, however, be prepared to feel the economic burn: props cost far more than you'd think. Benefits: Halloween is a snap. Drawbacks: The Dark Lord thing gets tired pretty quickly.
Solid milk
Like the child who mistakes a crappy Easter bunny for good chocolate because he's never had anything else, milk chocolate choosers often confuse sex with love. They also can confuse unrequited love with justification for stalking. Maybe someday they'll grow out of it, but for now, be warned. Benefits: You'll work off the chocolate. Drawbacks: You'll get oogy stuffed-animal morning-after gifts.
Solid white
White chocolate is what chocolate haters eat to make everyone feel better during holidays. Unfortunately, nobody does feel better, because white chocolate looks and smells creepy. Question: Why does the stuff even exist? Benefits: These folks tend to make the bed afterwards. Drawbacks: Passive aggression.
Peanut-filled
Any choice of chocolate with nuts clearly indicates a curiosity about the anal lifestyle. Peanut-filled chocolate, in particular, dictates a desire for anal penetration. This is why "I'm allergic to peanuts" is code for homophobia. Benefits: Anal penetration. Drawbacks: Anal penetration.
Almond-filled
In the great hierarchy of nuts, almonds contain the greatest will to power. Almond lovers have similar Nietzschean streak, and prefer being the penetrator to being penetrated in the bedroom. Benefits: Most chocolate boxes include both almonds and peanuts, so you can mix things up. Drawbacks: Some people claim to be allergic to "certain kinds of nuts."
Nougat-filled
Nobody really knows or cares what nougat is. What matters is that it feels so light and tasty. Same thing holds true for nougat lovers: they are invariably bimbos (or himbos), and often need to be hidden from friends and family. Benefits: Fluffy goodness. Drawbacks: You can be fooled into having too many in one sitting.
Caramel-filled
It's dense, complex and long lasting. Longer lasting, even, than your tooth enamel. Does the term "high maintenance" ring a bell? Benefits: A real feeling of accomplishment for having gotten though one of these. Drawbacks: There's been no actual accomplishment at all, save the long struggle to finish off a piece of what should have been candy.
Truffles, all sorts
If truffles were college students, they'd be those who feel oddly compelled to double major in everything. Accordingly, truffle choosers are talkers. They believe in a time when sex was "of the mind," or at least of the larynx. These are the people who continue to flood phone sex lines, baffling the computer industry. Benefits: You'll never have to wonder what they're thinking. Drawbacks: Noise. Check sound proofing in your apartment before having them over, lest your neighbors do that odious thumbs up thing next morning. Chocolate truffle lovers in particular tend to be screamers in bed.
Peanut butter cream
Obviously, this indicates a fascination with exoticized interracial love, preferably couched as that which will not speak its name. Perhaps these people saw Showboat at a young age, or favored early Madonna videos. Benefits: Parts of Jungle Fever were pretty hot. Drawbacks:Mandingo (both the book and the three porn versions) was horrible.
Peppermint cream
My editor spends a little too much time getting the sensation, shall we say, from her peppermint cream chocolates. Nobody wants rough sex more than she does. Benefits: It's a delicious treat and a wake-up call, all in one package. Drawbacks: Sometimes no means no, particularly when you are on deadline.
Coconut cream
You never really expect to bite into a piece of chocolate and find coconut. Likewise, the coconut lover has trouble seeing the point of mentioning water sports or clown bondage, until the clothes are off and the sex act has begun in earnest. Benefits: If you click the randomizer feature on search engines, you'll love this. Drawbacks: Some of us like warning before it's time for rubber sheets.
Orange cream
Orange chocolates smell like old people after they've been newly washed. Accordingly, an orange chocolate choice indicates a sexual interest in the elderly. Benefits: After you do it, you can teach them to drive. Drawbacks: Miss Daisy sex.
Cordials without cherry
Cordials are one of the few candies that differ qualitatively according to gender. Men who choose cordials are premature ejaculators. Women who choose cordials, on the other hand, are capable of the elusive vaginal ejaculation. Benefits: He can finish early and get going on her porn shoot. Drawbacks: Do I need to point out the drawbacks of premature ejaculation?
Cordials with cherry
Although men who choose a cherry cordial are still prone to premature ejaculation, they redeem themselves by way of their extraordinary oral sex abilities. Likewise, cherry cordial women (who rightly despise that stem twist thing people do in bars) have mouths that know their way around a pubis. Benefits: They understand that good head isn't about how long you hang around down there, but rather what gets accomplished during the trip. Drawbacks: None.
Sure, your favorite is your favorite. But who eats just one chocolate? Nobody. The order in which you consume is important. I like to eat the cherry cordials first, always. But then I'll follow that with an almond cluster, and then maybe a peppermint cream. Part of me honestly believes I do what I do because the cherries taste best, and that peppermint is a great excuse for not brushing my teeth. To the experienced, though, my choice says, "I'll give you great head, but in return I want to strap on a dildo and make you pray to St. Valentine. Afterwards, a spanking may be in order."
Give me a foil balloon though, and you die.
y the end of Valentines Day, there will be a least fifty copies of the "Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex" spam in my email box. One million more "Special Lady" foil balloons will litter the earth. And the Yankelovich Partners will appear in the media, somewhere.
