The Modern Materialist by Various Almost everything you want. Today: Our intrepid reporter parties with Ron Jeremy and captures the whole thing on faux Polaroid.
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Will Farrell's Bush impression returns to SNL! Plus: Ultimate Fighter, Stylista, Dwight vs. Gareth in an Office smackdown, and Heidi Montag gets fired from one of her many non-jobs.
If I want to do a Sarah Palin roleplay with my partner, whom should he play?
Some sort of feral yet scintillatingly sensual Arctic creature. Like Todd. Todd has feral qualities.
How can I get Sarah Palin into bed?
That's gonna be hard for ya, since I sleep standin' up like a pony. It's also how I birth my children: standin' up.
Why is sex better in the White House?
Well heck, I sure don't know. Until Mr. John McCain finally kicks off in the middle of his first ter— I mean, until I succeed Mr. John McCain as president after he serves eight long, glorious, healthful years in office, I'm gonna stick to gettin' nekkid and havin' my fun in the vice-presidential mansion over there on the grounds of the U.S. Naval Observatory, thank you very much. No one can say Sarah Palin is eagerly countin' down the days until Mr. John McCain's ticker stops functionin'. No, no one could say that. 'Cause it's not true. I'll tell ya that much.
What I'm sayin' is that until McCain dies, I will fuck Todd in the vice-presidential mansion.
How has being the governor of Alaska made you a better lover? Well, it's caused me to take more pride in my lovemakin', since every time I have sex, I'm havin' sex on behalf of all Alaskans, and I include the Inuit in that statement, Lord bless 'em.
My girlfriend's totally conservative, but I think she might be into some really kinky stuff in bed, if she'd just give it a shot. How should I broach the subject? Levi?!
What's the best way to deal with a crazy ex? Shoot 'im, skin 'im, hang 'im upside down, drain the blood, smoke 'im and turn 'im into beef jerky. Everyone wins. If you can shoot 'im from a helicopter, that's even better.
Susan, "somewhere around Jesus's age at the time of death" www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvqyLC4xMzs
www.susandeming.com
www.fufu.com
www.bignewsreport.org
How can I help my boyfriend last longer in bed?
Tell him the Lord commands it. If he's a good Christian (and he'd better be, sister), then he'll do as he's told. Wait, you said "boyfriend," not "husband." I'm issuing a warrant for your arrest.
My girlfriend's totally conservative, but I think she might be into some really kinky stuff in bed, if she'd just give it a shot. How should I broach the subject?
Ephesians 5:22-24: "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife... wives should submit to their husbands in everything." 'Nuff said, girly-girl. Hop on that sex swing! Hey, wait, you said "girlfriend," not "wife." I'm issuing a warrant for your arrest.
promotion
What makes good tea-bagging great tea-bagging?
I use loose Earl Grey tea in a diffuser. Ha, ha. See, I caught you. You think I'm too backwoods to know what tea-bagging is? Well, to answer your elitist trick question, great tea-bagging is when you stick your finger up his butt while's he's bobbing his balls in your mouth. Right, Track? I mean, Todd?
I have a crush on my neighbor, but we've never spoken. What's the best way to approach her?
Tell her you're a secessionist and she'll let you split her like the log she is. After marriage, of course.
I like a guy with whom I have absolutely no hobbies or interests in common. How can I connect with him?
Oh, honey, I pray for your soul. His interests and hobbies are your interests and hobbies. End of discussion. Start boning up on your hockey, ATV, Jessica Alba and Halo knowledge right now.
If I want to do a Sarah Palin roleplay with my partner, whom should he play?
A moose. Unless you're not into S&M. That's Sarah and Moose, you perv.
How can I get Sarah Palin in bed?
Few people get to cross my bridge to nowhere.
How has being the governor of Alaska made you a better lover?
It's one of the few states where the only earmarks you can find are from my lipstick.
On our second date, the guy I'm seeing revealed he has an eight-year-old kid. The idea of being a mommy kind of freaks me out, but the guy seems really great so far. Should I keep seeing him?
Honey, that eight year old will be sixteen in eight years, and then you'll have a backup if the old one tanks.
What makes good tea-bagging great tea-bagging?
I have no idea what you're talking about. Is that a fancy name for a Bush Doctrine? Hold on and let me do an Alta Vista search for the definition. Okay, I'm back. And I'm not answering that.
Cherise, "I double dog dare you to ask me that again! Make my day." www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LgJQ8UQWGU
www.cherise.com
www.myspace.com/cheriseleana
On our second date, the guy I'm seeing revealed he has an eight-year-old kid. The idea of being a mommy kind of freaks me out, but the guy seems really great so far. Should I keep seeing him?
That kid needs you. Who's gonna teach him to hunt? To gut a moose? No offense, but that's really a silly question. You've gotta step up. Make a difference. Get that kid a hunting license before he goes soft and votes to raise my taxes in ten years.
How can I help my boyfriend last longer in bed?
Take him to the shooting range. Listen to me very carefully on this one. See, a lot of people like to joke that a gun is an extension of a man's you-know-what. But I'm here to tell you it's no joke. Get him a .44 magnum and you'll be a mom in no time.
I'm a total commitment-phobe. Every time I get close to a real relationship, I freak out and sleep with someone else. How can I keep my cool, and keep my boyfriend?
I've got one word for you: The Great Outdoors. Go fishing together. Or hunting. See, they told me not to get too crazy with the Bible stuff, but on this one I can't resist. Satan is picking on you because you don't hunt. He doesn't respect you. That's why he's turning you into a no-good cheatin' sinner. I hate Satan, but I respect that about him. If you're a hunter, he stays the hell out of your way.
I have a crush on my neighbor, but we've never spoken. What's the best way to approach her?
Kill something in front of her. Women love that. Doesn't matter what it is — long as it's not a human fetus, of course.
What's the best way to deal with a crazy ex?
Get him fired from his job. Cut off his funding and he disappears. Simple as that. But you didn't hear it from me.
Interviews by Meghan Pleticha. Dating Advice From... appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to .
Well, it's caused me to take more pride in my lovemakin', since every time I have sex, I'm havin' sex on behalf of all Alaskans, and I include the Inuit in that statement, Lord bless 'em.
If I want to do a Sarah Palin roleplay with my partner, whom should he play?
On our second date, the guy I'm seeing revealed he has an eight-year-old kid. The idea of being a mommy kind of freaks me out, but the guy seems really great so far. Should I keep seeing him?
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
