Mike, 21

What do you do for a living?
Music, alternative and hip-hop. I'm a songwriter and an artist.

Very cool. Does that get you ladies?
It makes them scared of me. They don't feel like anything will last, cause they feel like my future's gonna be something that entails a lot of women or something like that.

Have they told you that, straight up?
Yeah. Like, straight up, and I'll be like "Why?" I explain to them that I'm not really world-wide yet or anything. I'm not something that crazy. I'm affiliated with people, but I haven't got to the place where I want it to go, you know? And I tell them, "Isn't it better that you be with me now, rather than not be with me at all? Or isn't it better to be with me now rather try to get with me when that happens, because then you'll seem like a gold-digger or something?"

If you wanted to impress a woman, how would you impress her?
It would probably be with something creative. It would probably be a song. Actually, I just finished recording a song. It's just this girl I have a crush on. She claims to be a lesbian, but she's not.

How do you know she's not a lesbian?
Because we went on dates. And then she called me one day and was like, "I want to have my cake and eat it, too." And I was like, "What are you talking about? You like me, don't you?" And she was like, "Yeah." And I was like, "You're not a lesbian then, stop saying that." I hate when girls say that. Bisexual, maybe, okay then. Fine. I think a lot of young girls in their early twenties claim they're lesbians because they got their heart broken by a guy and don't want to mess with men anymore until they get over it.

You've heard of the term "a lesbian until graduation" — like lesbians in college, until they graduate and suddenly they're straight?
Yeah, I got that vibe from her. She's this Guatemalan girl. She's really nice. And she has full lips so I wrote a song called "Perfect-Lip Ashley."

Where's the craziest place you've had sex?
In a Chinese restaurant's bathroom. I was out with my friend Mike and these two chicks. We were outside, about to leave, and my girl says, "Yo, I really have to go to the bathroom." I'm still outside, and Mike was like, "Go inside." I'm like, "Nah, she's coming right back out." But I think he wanted to talk to the girl he was with, so I go inside. The girl I'm with comes out and she's like, "Oh, I didn't know you were there." And I was like, "Yeah." And she goes, "Oh, well come in." She starts making out with me and she's like, "This has to be fast, you understand that?" Isn't that just the best thing a guy wants to hear? Cause then you don't have to worry about holding yourself back. Just go whenever you want. It's the best thing a guy wants to hear: I don't have to pause to make this last long, this can be as short as I want it to be. And premature ejaculation is amazing right now, so it's fine. We had sex for five minutes and she just pulled up her tights.

Ashley, 26

What do you do for a living?
I'm a design assistant in the fashion industry.

Very cool. Does that ever get you dates?
Definitely not. Everyone's gay. I get gay dates. I'm someone's gay-straight lover at work.

How can a guy impress you?
By being funny. And smelling good. There was this guy in high school who I was totally in love with, but he didn't smell good, so I couldn't be with him. And he was in love with me. But I was like, "You should bathe more. And not work at a steakhouse."

Do you have any favorite hook-up stories?
I have one bad one. I was in Italy, and my roommate was this total slut — but I liked her, she was great. She brought home these two Australian guys. She was hooking up with the super-hot one, so I was left to the medium-hot one, but he was still really hot, so I was A-okay with that. We were hanging out in the living room, cause they were getting it on in the bedroom, and he was like, "So, we should probably make out." So we started making out, then we go to my bedroom and then we start hooking up. First off he starts fingering me and doing stuff. It was not great. Then he says, "I've never let a girl leave before she's come. Every girl finishes with me." And I was like, okay, and I faked it within two minutes. That's the only time I've ever faked it.

That's the only time I've ever faked orgasm — when the guy was like, "We're not leaving till you come." And I'm like, "I just came!"
Yeah. So then after that we were lying there and he was like, "So would you give him a kiss?" And I started laughing hysterically. And he's like, "I never had a girl laugh at that before." Then I felt bad, so I kissed it.

This is my favorite story tonight, just so you know.
Just wait. So then I sensed that he was getting really close and I hate semen in my mouth — it makes me throw up, it's really gross.

Do you ever think about the sperm swimming around in there?
No, I don't let it happen in the first place. So he started to come and I just started using my hands, and then he came in my eye. It was so painful. It was so painful. I had to go to the bathroom and flush my eye with water for fifteen minutes. Eye drops, saline solution, everything. And the next day my eye was swollen and all my friends were like, "What the fuck happened to your eye?" And I said, "You don't want to know."

Jason, 38

Do you have any crazy hook-up stories?
A couple weeks ago, I met a girl whom I had no interest in whatsoever. She pursued me really vigorously. She was like, "We can't go back to my place because I live in Bensonhurst, so why don't we go to yours?" And before you know it, we're at my place.

Congratulations.
I don't know if "congratulations" is really the word for it. Have you ever been to a rodeo?

No.
Okay, they have this thing in the rodeo when you set the calves free and someone lassos one and ties it up and grabs it. That's how I felt.

Do you have any crazy ex-girlfriends?
Yeah. I'm not going to name names, but I absolutely do. I'd been living in Los Angeles and I had moved back to New York. Not only did she move back to New York but she moved in with my mom. It was this whole thing. My mom had met her before and they were friendly. My mom actually went to her wedding to somebody else, and my sister was a flower girl at her wedding.

Wow. That's impressive.
For her, yes. For me, not so much so. "Jason, why don't you come to the wedding?" "Well, how do you know the bride?" "Well, I used to fuck her."

Where's the craziest place you had sex?
The Natural History Museum when I was in high school.

What! Like, in the bathroom?
No, in the rock exhibit. It was a long time ago, but in the rock exhibit they used to have all these nooks and crannies you could sneak into. It was like 1988. Security was much more relaxed back then. New York was a different place in the eighties. My high-school girlfriend and I cut school one day to go to the Natural History Museum.

I love how that sounds almost educational: cutting school to go the Museum.
You know, it was winter in New York and it was warm there. If both your parents are at home — my mom had a baby so she was home all the time, and her mom was a stay-at-home mom — you have to find places. So the Natural History Museum was one of them and it actually was awesome.

How are women in New York different than women in L.A.?
Women in L.A. are awful. I will say this on record: L.A. is the worst place in the entire country. L.A. is all about, "Can I give you a script for something?" Even your doorman wants to be an actor.

I used to work in a coffee shop in L.A., and a guy buying coffee pitched me a movie.
Right, exactly. If you're in L.A. and you meet a girl who is moderately attractive, she has some kind of agenda. Here you can meet beautiful girls who are lawyers and doctors and God-knows-what. It's fantastic.

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25 Comments

ERICA knocked a guy out? With her fist? I don't think so. Unless she was dating Prince, maybe. Or... she's a girl -- maybe she doesn't know what "knocked out cold" means? Anyway, she's cute. But Maribeth is the real knockout. Instantly-marriageable.

PO commented on 01/21

MIKE... "premature ejaculation is amazing right now"? What does that even mean? Nice hat though. And ASHLEY... HA HA! That'll teach you about swallowing! "Ew, semen is gross, rilly grROWss, like it makes me throw UP." Grow up. Get a life. You don't deserve an orgasm. JASON is right about LA girls. All the cute ones are here to trade on their looks, it's depressing.

PO commented on 01/21

Ashley needs to learn how to swallow. That shot in the eye is definitely justice.

jr commented on 01/21

Why do guys commenting on Hooksexup suck so much? (yeah, that could be a pun too). Also, why don't you think Erica could have knocked a guy out? I know some fucking strong women.

nn commented on 01/21

I'm assuming you love the delicious taste of semen, PO?

nn commented on 01/21

LIKE JWOWW ON JERSERY SHORE?!

@nn commented on 01/21

I admire anyone who can break a toilet using only their writhing body.

GT commented on 01/21

There's nothing wrong with not swallowing, intercourse is better than any blowjob I've ever had anyway. Regardless, it's clear that the article on egomaniacs was written with the medium-hot guy in mind.

sc commented on 01/21

Am I the only one who doesn't hook up in the bathroom?

grrr commented on 01/21

Love the bathroom theme! I was going to say I've never hooked up in a bathroom...but now that I think about it, it's not true. Never in a PUBLIC restroom, however much I would have liked to get busy in a Burger King bathroom.

FRI commented on 01/21

PO telling Ashley "get a life" for not swallowing... It shows how big PO's life is and how much PO loves to swallow. Erica "can't get enough of assholes that are mean to her" but "knocked out cold" (which is questionable) the biggest asshole she met... She doesn't even hooks up with customers. Why? because they are mean assholes??

vld commented on 01/21

If Erica is a bartender, she can knock a guy out. The bartenders I work with can all move kegs and the girls are just as quick as the guys. You spend your nights using your arms all the time. Not huge muscles, but strong.

db commented on 01/21

Last time I checked it wasn't OK (or legal) to beat the shit out of someone for infidelity. I think it kinda sucks that Hooksexup is tacitly saying that Erica's story is cool and funny and relatable. I don't think they'd post her interview if she was a guy named Eric who'd knocked his girl around for stepping out on him.

S.F. commented on 01/22

On one level I agree with you. But then, when you compare a guy cheating on his girlfriend to a girl leaving her boyfriend, you reveal your own sexism.

@S.F commented on 01/22

'Stepping out" means cheatin, not leaving. S.F.'s point stands.

@@SF commented on 01/22

Jason's just bitter because he's not attractive enough to date in LA.

h commented on 01/22

I'm gonna add a girl vote to the swallowing - always do, no clean up, and apparently saves a lot of problems. It's no Ben and Jerry's but hey, it's better than cum in the eye.

rem commented on 01/22

There are only two flavors of cum- ehhh, not so bad and blah

sm commented on 01/22

Lots of bathroom hookups lol. also i hate ashleys.

OMG commented on 01/22

Dated a girl once that didn't take shots in the mouth, kind of ruined the whole bj thing...and she didn't last long as a gf. LA girls or hot and amazing. Yes, there are chicks (and guys) who run around promoting themselves at every turn, but if that's all you meet then you're going out to the wrong places. There are beautiful, intelligent, and talented artists here (yes acting, writing, directing, etc are all art forms). Bathroom sex always leads to great stories, loved that theme here. Mike, I don't care how creative/artistic/eccentric you are, that hat should never be worn in public.

LA commented on 01/23

the craziest place i've probably had sex is behind a library...lol. so lame, but it was summer and the grass was warm so it just happened. and it wasn't really a hookup, sorta, since im still with the same boy, haha.

JGG commented on 01/23

To the girls who negatively commented on the swallowing issue: how long you been single? And, yes, maybe Erica could have knocked a guy out if she used her gums.

PO commented on 01/23

yeah LA women suck, because there are absolutely no profession women here at all .. zero .. yeah right. Hang out in Hollywood and guess what? You get Hollywood people. There are many professional women here ... and they are hotter and in better shape, because they actually work out and eat healthy, than women in most parts of the country, including New York. Now I dont blame Jason for loving NYC women ... I love them too, but Id take a hot LA woman over a hot NYC woman any day ... why? Because the beauty of LA women LASTS!!!

LA commented on 01/23

thoughts: 1. Is everyone's occupation "very cool"? 2. How full of shit is Mike? 3. Never force yourself to something sexually that you don't want to. It comes back to haunt you. Hard.

cjm commented on 01/24

Wow Jason - he should be thankful that girl wanted him! I mean, yikes!

dsd commented on 01/25

 

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