I've dated several women who could reasonably be described as chubby, rubenesque, cherubic, rotund, portly, big-boned. One of my ex-girlfriends even outweighed me by a few pounds. There are lots of polite ways to try and soften the blunt edges, but there's always something discombobulating about seeing someone comparatively slender in the company of a fat person. One of my favorite topics for awkward conversation is to ask someone about the fattest person they've ever slept with.
My first kiss was with a woman who was probably closer to obese than fat. She was tall and must have weighed two hundred pounds. We were at a party and I immediately identified her as the one girl there that I would be least interested in making out with. So two hours later I was, of course, making out with her. It was really nice too. She was a fizzy ball of energy and had an air of perpetual momentum around her, as if she were moments away from levitating. She was a hungry kisser, wet and urgent without becoming completely feral.
The next day I didn't even think about calling her again. I liked her a lot but I couldn't conceive of dating someone so heavy. I don't know where that prejudice came from. I marvel at it. I resent it. Being in Denmark over the summer, I noticed a pattern of seeing big and gawky women lumbering around with considerably more attractive men on their arms. There didn't seem to be the same male-driven stigma about needing to validate some in-born sense of masculinity through a girlfriend's waist size.
I read someone's confession today that admitted an unhinged carnal urge to sleep with someone who was objectively unattractive. "he's smart, interesting, funny and a very nice guy. He's not very attractive but oh man, do i ever want to fuck his brains out. I never thought i'd want someone so badly i don't even find physically attractive."
How is this possible? How could anyone want to have sex with someone they're not attracted to? Clearly there's an element of glibness to the "not very attractive," it's like a hedging of bets against other people's expectations. He doesn't conform to the norms of what other people would probably find attractive, but is that the same as being unattractive? Why even bother couching a description of someone who triggers some inner compulsion for closeness with an acknowledgement of other people's expectations?
I often wonder how much of what I find attractive in a woman is genuine and how much is just a subconscious recognition of how closely her look assimilates with the subtle iconography of movies, magazines, and commercials. A friend of mine used to date a model and loved describing how proud he was walking into a bar or restaurant with her on his arm. How happy he was walking down the sidewalk, watching all the other men ogle the girl that had chosen him. It reminded me of the terse Patrick Bateman line, "I'm just trying to fit in."
I still trade emails with the girl I dated that weighed more than me. She was married not too long ago, to a chubby man. I look at her pictures on Facebook sometimes. They seem absurdly happy together. Of course I am biased, but she still strikes me as stunning and I don't understand what she could possible be doing with the goober grinning on the other side of the frame. Then I remember her describing how happy he makes her in an email a long time ago. A comparatively unattractive fat guy making a woman so happy she would be willing and eager to share the rest of her life with him. I can almost see it through the tinsel haze.
Previous Posts:
Crying In Public: Some Corner in Brooklyn
Dating the Web: Don't Google Fisting and Why Women Apologize So Much
Date Machine: The Woman in the Coffee Shop and The Woman at the Bus Stop
Love Machine: Your Mom Will Do
Date Machine: Scary Movies or I Peed My Pants
Date Machine: Rate My Ethics
Love Machine: Let's Just Be Friends
Love Machine: Must Be Willing to Lie About Where We Met
Sex Machine: Why Women Are Great In Bed
Sex Machine: Why Women Suck in Bed
Date Night: All By Myself on a Saturday Night
Sex Machine: Spank My Ass
Love Machine: Infidelity or How Long Can You Go Without Cheating?
Date Night: The 45-Minute Walkout
Date Night Redux: H's Version of Our Night Out
Celebrity Confession: Who is Lauren Cohan and Why is She Hitting on Me?
Sex Machine: My First Muff Dive
Crying in Public: Remember the Cheerleaders
Sex Machine: Masturbating Upside Down
Date Night: Two Women in One Night
Hooksexup Confessions: Rate My Penis Size
Crying In Public: The Sichuan Night Train
Love machine: How I Date On The Internet
Sex Machine: Rate My Blowjobs
Crying in Public: My Cubicle