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Personals Drama: Let down badly by an Englishman

Posted by airheadgenius

 

I miss my compatriots.

I miss their wit and their humour. I miss their spellings.

So, imagine my excitement when I receive an email from an English man. 

My glee was horribly misplaced however. Here's a snippet:

Hi I’m most intrigued... I would love to chat
Maybe a candle light date.....
Your thoughts...??
XXXXX 

My first thought was "ewwww", not least because of the row of kisses, but I checked out his profile anyway. Turns out we went to the same design college which is quite a fluke. Especially because it's very hard to get in to. So I wrote back and mentioned this unlikely coincidence.

His reply failed to acknowledge that point and instead went like this:

Darling a quick note from my bed...
Very hectic running around getting ready for my trip...
I will be in the city presenting two projects, so setting up meeting with galleries etc....
Will call when I arrive, will send you my cell number when I get a sim card... Which network...??
Till then all my kisses
XXXXXXXX

There was nothing appealing for me here, so I didn't respond, but that didn't stop him.

Hi it's the end of an exhausting day I'm off for a hot bath with almond & rose oil.....
I will be staying downtown, where in the city are you....??
XXX

Clearly he was exhausted, given that he could only muster up the energy to give me three kisses.  I ignored this one too, but he remained unperturbed:

morning darling from downtown ... It’s great to wake up to the new york sunshine....!!!
i’m feeling a bit stiff from my flight, now in need of a massage...... maybe with jasmin oil.... any ideas...???
i would love to chat, when is good for me to call.....??
all my kisses...
XXXXXXX 

When is a good time to call? Howzabout when hell freezes over?

Back to the drawing board full of Americans with less of a penchant for kisses. 

 

Here are some I made earlier:
Dating and dying
Do your friends hook you up?
Is size everything?
King dong and kizz volume
Prostitues - yay or nay?
The female orgasm
Fabulous at 40, the reprise

 

A tiny picture of another fey Englishman: Quentin Crisp. A witty conversationalist, but I wouldn't want to do him. Then again, he wouldn't want to do me either.

 

 

 


+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT
Posted Apr 06 2009, 08:55 PM
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Comments

bartmobil said:

HOT! HOT! HOT!

he sounds just like that fake "spy" dude in "true lies"

i would just go out with him to show him how Americanize you are now!

April 6, 2009 9:55 PM

recycledbrooklyn said:

HA HA HA.  I'm sorry.  I'm also sorry that I can't stop laughing.  I'm not exactly Prince Charming but I can't believe he's gotten any play with that.  Perhaps you can meet him for a pedicure.  

April 6, 2009 10:09 PM

smellynerd said:

This reminds of something I heard once:

"He is not gay! He's just very, very, very, very British."

April 7, 2009 1:08 AM

casualencounters.com/blog/ said:

Great post.

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April 7, 2009 1:11 AM

casualencounters.com/blog/ said:

I have some issues with "candle light". Surely "candlelit". www.merriam-webster.com/.../candlelit is on my side, but it's an American dictionary, so perhaps it's some weird British thing.

I'm going to install the OED on this machine tonight and then we'll see. We'll JUST SEE.

April 7, 2009 6:32 PM

airheadgenius said:

bart - me? Americanized? I should cocoa.

recycled - a pedicure with hot rose oil presumably.

smelly - I have to say that the Welsh and the Scots would take great offense. I fear it's just the English that are fey.

casual - we shall indeed. Careful though, it might burst your melon to discover how you're supposed to write.

April 7, 2009 7:00 PM

dvaleriey said:

Darling, I've just submerged myself in a vat of bacon fat and chicken flavored (flavoured) frying oil...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

April 7, 2009 7:23 PM

recycledbrooklyn said:

I think Ray Winstone may take offense to being referred to as "fey."  

April 7, 2009 11:28 PM

LydiaSarah said:

Don't forget the Northern Irish and the Cornish!

April 8, 2009 2:11 AM

english_alex said:

a true englishman would not have offered a "candle light date", but rather a drunken fuck in a pub car-park.

April 8, 2009 2:45 AM

airheadgenius said:

dval - battered presumably.

recycled - clearly not all Englishmen are fey. I was referring to the ilk of Hugh Grant and Richard E Grant. Grants in general probably. I flew on a plane with Ray Winstone recently - gnarly doesn't even begin to do him justice.

Lydia - who could? Although I don't think the Cornish can claim to be an individual country in the UK, no matter how hard they try.

english_alex - I've had drunken sex in a National Trust carpark. I am fancy like that.

April 8, 2009 5:25 PM

nicknickleby said:

Oh Gawd (trying to fake an American accent - I can't for the life of me even after 15 years) this was a funny thread. Especially the drunken fuck in a pub car park. I miss the romance of old Blighty (not). Whenever I've dated an English woman over here, it's always felt like we were two orphans celebrating our lot. Worse, that whole accent thing doesn't work - not that I've ever liked the sound of my own voice anyway...

April 9, 2009 2:50 AM

recycledbrooklyn said:

No no no... not implying that you were saying all Englishmen are fey.  Just giving gnarly ol' Ray as an example.  It amused me to think how he would react.  

April 9, 2009 5:11 AM

english_alex said:

- ahg - how could you resist? a date at a national trust property is a brilliant idea. you wander through the house of some long-gone ozymandias, perusing their relics. the other visitors all have walking sticks, false teeth, and need the guided tour to be over within 45 minutes or they'll piss themselves. but (goes the thought) you and i are still young, still vibrant, supple, strong. let's give yourselves over the the force that's making our hearts beat faster! my ford fiesta is out the back and the seats go down.

(or the last time i was living in england: my mum's ford fiesta is out the back and...)

April 9, 2009 2:16 PM

airheadgenius said:

english - it didn't quite go down like that. You may well have inspired your very own blog post.

April 9, 2009 2:31 PM

devonjamie said:

heavens, how inspirational!  i obviously haven't taken proper advantage of the national trust sites nearby....

April 9, 2009 7:26 PM

airheadgenius said:

devon - surely you are amongst a wealth of them if you really are in Devon. Although you could always skip a county and go for a fast shag in the Eden project. That would be cracking.

April 9, 2009 9:40 PM

LydiaSarah said:

They're not a country because they have no political autonomy. But they are a nation. I'm Irish (with a little Cornish thrown in) on one side of my family and Jewish on the other, so, in other words descended of people that have been without their own states for most of history. I guess I think more in terms of ethnic and national identity than in actual countries.

Still, that is DEFINITELY a conversation for another blog. To tie it back to the original point, the Cornishmen I've met are most emphatically not fey. I'm sure you'll agree.

April 9, 2009 9:50 PM

airheadgenius said:

nick - didn't I have a big blog crush on you a while back? You've just killed it. Boo hoo

April 9, 2009 9:54 PM

airheadgenius said:

Lydia - Actual Irish as in born in Ireland or the American version?

Cornwall is chock full of Australians in my experience, especially Newquay. I spent every freakin summer holiday of my childhood there.

April 9, 2009 9:56 PM

nicknickleby said:

Oh no...sorry!!

However in my defense, I recall you mentioning a while ago that you're one way when you write - pretty tough, but different in real life. To wit I'm given to sometimes being an ass on paper but hopefully less so when it counts, maybe it's the other way round...

April 10, 2009 2:04 AM

umbrelladown said:

Methinks I see a pattern here:

1 suggestion of "romantic" or otherwise oily activity taking place by himself or with you

2. immediately followed by a request for personal information (best time to call, mobile network, where you live)

3. The textual raspberry

Yummy. I wonder what the equivalent of this would be in a bar setting..

April 18, 2009 12:41 AM

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