Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.
The kernel of almost any bad movie is a really terrible idea, and at first glance it appears that 2005’s big screen version of The Honeymooners fits the bill. It reeks of a concept dreamed up in a corner cubicle at Paramount Pictures by a junior development executive desperate to hang onto his job. “I’ve got it!” he shouts, jumping up from his chair and dumping his coffee all over his never-used keyboard. “The Black Honeymooners! Eddie Murphy IS Ralph Kramden! Chris Rock IS Norton!”
Alas, the junior executive’s dream cast fails to develop, and eventually it is Cedric the Entertainer who tries to fill the Great One’s shoes, with Mike Epps as his long-suffering sidekick. As The Honeymooners opens, it is 1999 and Brooklyn bus driver Ralph Kramden (Mr. Entertainer) is putting his “Bustin’ Loose” moves on passenger Alice (Gabrielle Union). He unveils the first of his get-rich quick schemes: a Y2K Survival Kit that’s sure to make him millions when the new year arrives and everything comes crashing down.
Six years later, Ralph and Alice are married and living in a dumpy apartment. Sadly, Ralph’s anticipated global chaos never arrived, so he’s busy with new and even more ill-fated schemes while Alice works at the diner and dreams of home ownership. A little old lady is selling her duplex, which would be perfect for the Kramdens and their neighbors, Ed and Trixie Norton (Epps and Regina Hall), but a slimy developer (Eric Stolz) has his eyes on the property as well. With the help of Jon Polito and John Leguizamo, Ralph and Ed pin all their hopes on a greyhound they find half-dead in a dumpster. Can this abandoned stray win the big race, or is Ralph doomed to a life of sharing a small apartment with Gabrielle Union?
Drained of all that hilarious domestic violence humor that might prove upsetting to a modern audience (Ralph’s “To the moon, Alice!” is transformed into a lovey-dovey sweet nothing), The Honeymooners is a decidedly mediocre but good-natured family comedy that has no business being on the Bottom 100 list. Ralph says it best: “You just a regular UPN sitcom, huh, Alice?” It’s true that the comedic stylings of Mike Epps are so low-key as to be undetectable to the human eye, but Cedric the Entertainer has his effectively blustery moments. And of course, where there’s Polito, there’s quality. In the tradition of Burt Reynolds’ greatest contribution to cinema, the end-credit bloopers prove to be the movie’s high point. Still, I’ve seen at least 100 worse family comedies in my capacity as movie janitor for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, so The Honeymooners rates only a single Maury.
Previously on Unwatchable:
100. Devil Fish