Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.
Bo Derek became the natural successor to Farrah Fawcett as poster girl of choice in the bedrooms of adolescent boys with the 1979 release of 10, in which the cornrowed, bikinied Derek played Dudley Moore’s object of lust. (For some reason her acting debut in 1977’s Orca, in which her leg was bitten off by a killer whale, did not catapult her to stardom.) Director John Derek was ahead of the game, having met 16-year-old Bo on the casting couch years earlier. Better known for trading in a series of hot blonde wives for younger models than any filmmaking acumen, Derek abandoned wife Linda Evans (who had earlier replaced Ursula Andress) for Bo, with whom he made four movies. Bolero is one of them, and perhaps not even the worst one, though I’d hate to have to live on the difference.
Released in 1984, Bolero (the title is meant to conjure happy memories of 10, in which Bo jogged in slow motion on the beach accompanied by Ravel’s “Bolero” on the soundtrack) was billed as the Hottest Erotic Film of the Century. (Which century was not specified.) Among its IMDb keywords are “Female Nudity,” “Female Frontal Nudity,” “Female Full Frontal Nudity” and “Box Office Flop.” All of this is accurate. Derek is plenty naked as Lida MacGillivery, a wealthy schoolgirl who graduates, moons her alma mater and announces to her chauffeur Cotton (George Kennedy) her plan to travel the world and find a rich sheik to take her virginity. She finds a willing sheik, who commences licking milk and honey from her bare breasts, but he passes out before consummating the deed. Lida continues her travels, in hopes of finding another heavily accented himbo to accept her precious gift. Yes, this is a movie about a rich girl who looks like Bo Derek trying desperately to get laid.
Eventually it happens when she meets a bullfighter in Spain, but soon thereafter her future happiness is threatened when he is gored in the breadbasket by a charging bull. He grows bitter, but Lida cheers him up by learning to bullfight and riding a horse naked, and in the stirring finale, his equipment once again functions properly.
Bolero is softcore porn like they really don’t make anymore (for one thing, it features plentiful nudity by then-15-year-old Olivia d’Abo, which probably wouldn’t fly today.) It’s truly a young woman’s strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk, but what makes it so unbearable is the cutesy-whimsical tone of the whole thing, from goofy opium den hijinx to George Kennedy’s attempt to stop a plane from taking off with his bare hands. (Kennedy has an expression on his face throughout suggesting that his agent is already looking for a new job.) I guess it’s a vanity project of sorts for Bo Derek – everyone in the movie keeps saying she’s the most beautiful woman in the world – but she comes off as an overmedicated halfwit in every scene. The sex is more silly than sensual, but naked Bo Derek is undeniably a special effect – one that saves Bolero from the full four Maurys.
Previously on Unwatchable:
98. Kickboxer 4: The Aggressor
99. The Honeymooners
100. Devil Fish