Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.
Our journey through unwatchability has so far encompassed the work of such legendary schlock directors as Ed Wood, Uwe Boll and Albert Pyun, but now it’s time to make the case for an underrated purveyor of cinematic swill, a filmmaker who may not be a first ballot Hall of Shamer, but whose body of work is beginning to attract some attention among cutting edge cine-sabermetricians. You may know this man as Rif Coogan, but his real name is Adam Rifkin.
If the name rings a bell, you may be thinking of The Dark Backward, a 1991 Judd Nelson vehicle that was specifically engineered to be a cult favorite midnight movie, a strategy that pretty much never works. Or perhaps you’re reminded of The Chase, in which Rifkin tapped into that hidden longing within us all to be stuck in a car for 90 minutes with Charlie Sheen and Kristy Swanson. Maybe you vaguely recall Detroit Rock City, the comedy about four teenagers trying to scam their way into a KISS concert, or Night at the Golden Eagle, described by IMDb commenter stewart0602 as “the kind of work that grabs your package and squeezes for 90 minutes,” or the Austin-shot Homo Erectus, which only saw release under the straight-to-DVD title National Lampoon’s Stoned Age.
For this installment of Unwatchable, we delve deep into the Rifkin catalogue, all the way back to 1990 for The Invisible Maniac. Even in this early work, the Rifkin sensibility is on full display: quirky characters, broad humor and, most importantly, boobies. Lots and lots of naked boobies, many of them quite impressive and pleasing to the boobie aficionado. The cast includes Shannon Wisely, who would go on to a long and successful career in erotica as Savannah before her death in 1994 (I’ll never forget her exquisite work in Dixie Dynamite and the All-Star Tit Queens), Melissa Moore (Sorority House Massacre II, Bikini Drive-In), Stephanie Blake (“Stripper” in Mambo Kings, “Stripper in Big T’s” in Whore and “Tattooed Topless Dancer” in Danger Zone II: Reaper’s Revenge) and Claudette Rains, which I’m going to guess is a little in-joke by Mr. Rifkin.
The Invisible Maniac himself is played by Noel Peters in his only leading role and practically his only role of any kind (apparently he’s also in a 1997 TV-movie of Cinderella). Peters plays physicist Dr. Kevin Dorwinkle, who reacts badly when his colleagues laugh at his proposed molecular discombobulator and kills them all. He later escapes the asylum for the criminally insane and poses as a high school physics teacher, a gig that provides him plenty of opportunities to ogle nubile babes. Even more opportunities present themselves once he perfects his formula and is able to render himself invisible.
Although Rifkin was no doubt inspired by the rich history of invisibility literature and film, I’d have to guess that the opening scene of Carrie served as his primary muse. He seems determined to absolutely exhaust the possibilities of the high school girl’s locker room and, more specifically, the showers within, which he envisions as an all-singing, all-dancing nonstop party of sudsy boobs and steam rising from glistening buttocks. Who among us would not want to harness the secret to invisibility given these circumstances? (I’m asking the straight fellas here, obviously. You ladies and gay dudes are welcome to visualize soapy ballsacks or whatever it is that turns you on.)
Anyway, copious boobage aside, The Invisible Maniac is a rather tedious slog, thanks in large part to Peters’ charmless lead performance. The supporting cast isn’t much better, but in fairness to them, Rifkin does handicap their efforts by forcing them to engage in all manner of amateur mime activity in order to simulate their struggles with the invisible maniac. “I’ve got my hands around his neck! Oh no, I’m punching him and missing! Ha ha, he’s tickling me!” This sort of thing. There is a bonus for sticking with the movie all the way to the end: two more boobies!
Previously on Unwatchable:
40. Son of the Mask
41. Troll 2
42. Zombie Nightmare
43. American Ninja V
44. Leonard Part 6