Good morning Upper East Siders -- good to have you back. This week's episode starts with Blair's Yale rejection tension manifesting itself in Audrey Hepburn-themed anxiety dreams, which at first we thought were going to be lame, but when Blair played Eliza Doolittle both pre and post makeover, we were totally on board.
Meanwhile, Serena's back from Spain and predictably Chuck already has a lead on whatever crazy shenanigans she got up to in the land of Cervantes...
In other news, Cyrus's "schmutz happens" apron is maybe the best thing we've ever seen in our lives. Really, he's well on his way to being our favorite character on the show. Even though he's hard at work preparing the passover Seder, he's never too busy to show concern for Blair's self-destructive existence. Despite her assertions that a socialite's life is her chosen path, Cyrus encourages her to keep her options open and at least meet with his contact at NYU -- a contact, incidentally, whose life he saved in 'Nam. Yes, 'Nam. Blair flounces off to find Nate, just as Serena crashes the party to enlist Cyrus's legal advice on the aforementioned Spanish shenanigans.
Nate got into Columbia, and is now seriously considering bailing on Yale. Nate's grandfather isn't about to have one of his own progeny sullied by the unsavory halls of Columbia -- the horror -- which leaves us to wonder what he would have done if Nate had gone with his initial impulse and chosen -- gasp! -- USC. In order to ensure that Nate stays on the straight and narrow, Grandpa Vanderbilt strikes a bargain with Blair to facilitate her Jackie-O climb to social greatness if she'll convince Nate to attend Yale.
Back in Brooklyn, Jenny's taken up with some cardigan-wearing youth named Wes, who despite an unfortunate haircut, holds the key to Dan's college tuition -- a gig with his mother's catering business.
Turns out Dan's first catering job is at the Waldorf-Rose Seder, although mercifully the dinner is Blair-free -- she's got bigger lamb bones to roast at the Vanderbilt wedding rehearsal dinner. However, no sooner has Dan agreed to the illustrious position of Seder cater waiter at an event that both his father and his ex-girl's mother will be attending, then Serena shows up and adds insult to injury by confessing that she married a random stranger in Spain.
Tragically, before Cyrus can light the Seder candles, who should show up at the door but Serena's betrothed Spaniard. Inexplicably, Serena decides that the best way to break the news of their impending annulment is to tell the Spaniard that she's still in love with Dan. The sight of Dan and Serena semi-feigning amor at the Seder table nearly drives Rufus to the drink.
Sidenote: this week in WTF, Chuck's sleeping with a ballerina. What happened to Vanessa?
Back at the rehearsal dinner, Nate's causing yet another scene at a Vanderbilt get together by taking his grandfather to task for all his underhanded ways (i.e. having Nate's shady father hauled off to prison and bribing Blair into selling Nate's college dreams for a bridesmaid dress). Good news: Nate's impassioned speech inspires an appearance by Blair's conscience. Bad news: Up until this moment, we'd forgotten that we're supposed to refer to Nate's father as "the Captain."
Pause for a word from our sponsor in which we high five our friend at the sight of the Fighting trailer. We feel like Channing Tatum is from the Mark Wahlberg school of acting -- a pretty boy who's still believable as a badass.
After a triumphant exit from the rehearsal dinner, Nate confronts Blair about the whole ruthless social climbing debacle, and we wonder why Josh Schwartz is bothering to drag us through this whole Blair/Nate charade when we all know Blair belongs with Chuck. Nate storms off to the Van Der Woodsen's to whine to Chuck about Blair, which has to be the weirdest bro talk ever featured on this show. Apparently, growing a conscience is going around, because Chuck gives a Nate a pep talk, sends him back to Blair, and then, since one good deed deserves another, Chuck finishes the night by apologizing to Jenny for the attempted rape of season one. God, we love Chuck Bass.
Good news all around: Dan sucked as a waiter, but Rufus is selling the gallery to pay for Yale. Our reaction: Woo hoo! Go back to being a rockstar!
Lily gives Serena one of her patented parental guidance sessions that always seem to end with her encouraging Serena to throw herself on some guy. Serena takes her at her word and before we know it, OMG, Serena's making out with the Spaniard on the street corner. How old is this guy? Luckily, Blair interrupts the kiss with the BFF trump card, but no sooner has the Spaniard scurried off home, then Nate shows up at Blair's door to kiss and make up.
Cue the ominous music as the episode winds to a close: The Spaniard is in cahoots with celebutante Poppy Liption and it doesn't bode well for Serena. We always knew that Louise Brooks haircut looked sinister.
Previously:
Gossip Girl Spoilers: Blair Picks a College? [VIDEO]
Gossip Girl: The Grandaddy of Social Hangovers
Tonight's Gossip Girl SPOILERS: The Grandfather
Gossip Girl: Like Kissing Your Teacher