Scott Von Doviak's Top Ten Worst Movies Ever
1. CANNONBALL RUN II (1984)
2. BABY GENIUSES (1999)
3. HOWARD THE DUCK (1986)
Howard was a sardonic, sarcastic character trapped in a satiric and surrealistic “world he never made” — a seventies cult hero, part and parcel of his time. By 1986, he was long gone in a cloud of acrimony (on the part of creator Steve Gerber) and lawsuits (on behalf of the Walt Disney corporation, fiercely protective of the pantsless waterfowl image). That didn’t stop George Lucas, looking for something to pass the time during his fifteen year vacation between Star Wars trilogies. As much fun as it is to blame Lucas for every pop cultural misstep of the past three decades, in this case he is mere co-conspirator with director Willard Huyck and screenwriters Huyck and Gloria Katz. Assuming they looked at Gerber’s comics at all, this is what they absorbed from them: duck puns are funny. They then spent millions of dollars in a fruitless effort to prove it. Today even the worst comic book movies attempt to offer up some sort of production design or visual appeal, but Howard the Duck can’t even be bothered with a little Cleveland ambiance, unless you count the punk rocker who proclaims, upon seeing our hero for the first time, “I’ve been doin’ too much toot!” The general reaction to Howard’s presence is summed up by the bouncer who snorts, “That costume don’t fool me!” No shit.
4. BATMAN & ROBIN (1997)
5. GARFIELD: THE MOVIE (2004)
6. BATTLEFIELD EARTH (2000)
7. POOR PRETTY EDDY (1975)
This little-known descent into the depths of hixploitation probably deserves a cult following in the Troll 2 vein. Also known as Black Vengeance, Heartbreak Motel and Redneck County Rape, it’s the twisted tale of a well-known singer (Leslie Uggams) whose car breaks down near the kind of bar the hillbillies from Deliverance would think twice about stopping at for a beer. Elvis-wannabe Eddie takes a shine to her, much to the dismay of bar owner Bertha (Shelly Winters). There is a violent rape scene bizarrely scored to a tender Appalachian-style ballad and intercut with shots of a group of hillbillies (including TV’s Lurch, Ted Cassidy) gathering in the yard to watch dogs hump. The movie also features peculiar psychedelic interludes, fish-eye lenses, ominous banjo plucking, strange industrial noises, a freaky waterfall, Elvis poses…it’s the kind of movie David Lynch might make if something heavy fell on his head.
8. BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER (2002)
9. STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT (1992)
10. IT'S PAT (1994)
Click Here For Part One, Two, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine & Ten
Contributor: Scott Von Doviak