Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.
Regular readers of this column could probably guess that Invasion of the Neptune Men is the latest Unwatchable entry to find its way into the Bottom 100 thanks to its appearance on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Fortunately, I am able to bring you an untainted analysis of this 1961 sci-fi spectacular thanks to the good people at Dark Sky Films, who have released Neptune Men as part of a Drive-In Double Feature DVD, complete with vintage trailers and announcements from the snack bar. If only I had a DVD player in my car, I could have picked up a six-pack, a couple hot dogs and a bucket of popcorn, driven out to a field somewhere and watched it as it was meant to be seen, thus officially becoming the biggest dork in the universe.
Ah, who am I kidding? I’m watching the 100 worst movies of all time – I’m already the biggest dork in the universe. That’s probably why I admire Space Chief’s rocket car so much…but I’m getting ahead of myself. It should come as no surprise that Invasion of the Neptune Men concerns an invasion of men from Neptune. A group of nerdy Japanese schoolboys are the first to spot the alien aggressors, tracking their spaceship with a telescope and racing to a nearby field to greet them. The Neptunians – Neptunites? Neptunesians? – emerge from the craft in silvery suits, with slot machines on their heads, and naturally their first impulse is to strangle the small children. Their attack is thwarted when Space Chief (martial arts star and Tarantino fetish object Sonny Chiba in one of his earliest roles) arrives in his snazzy ride, which looks like a rocket-powered ’59 Cadillac El Dorado, and puts the beat down on the aliens. It’s never really explained where Space Chief comes from, or what his powers may be, but we do know his secret identity: he’s the kids’ science teacher. Undeterred by their momentary defeat, the aliens really start messing with us: they make the clocks run backward, the jukeboxes go crazy, and then they get serious and blow up a nuclear reactor.
Plotwise, Neptune Men isn’t exactly a tightly wound Swiss watch; it has its own peculiar rhythms and long silences, and much screen time is devoted to people milling about and staring up at the sky. It does have its moments, though. There’s a creepy sequence in which a platoon of Neptunians take on the guise of Japanese soldiers (imperfectly – they all look like they’re wearing black lipstick) and vaporize real soldiers with their death rays, leaving nothing but blast shadows on the walls. I liked the sharp black-and-white images and the clean retro-futurist set design. (I especially enjoyed the rolling office chairs on the deck of the Neptunians’ spaceship.) And the special effects aren’t even terrible; there’s some elegant rear-screen projection work when a fleet of flying saucers passes over the city, and some decent pyrotechnics. It’s still a little hard to sit through even at 74 minutes, and I’m forced to penalize it for a truly atrocious dubbing job – some of those kids sounded like they should be applying for social security. I’ll give it two Maurys: it’s a passable bottom half of a double feature, assuming you’re drunk enough.
Previously on Unwatchable:
95. Marci X
96. Track of the Moon Beast
97. Bolero
98. Kickboxer 4: The Aggressor
99. The Honeymooners