Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.
Here I face a similar problem as with the earlier entry Kickboxer 4: I went into the 1987 horror sequel Howling III without having seen its predecessor Howling II…Your Sister is a Werewolf. (I'm pretty sure I've seen the original Howling, directed by Joe Dante and co-written by John Sayles, but that didn't really help.) For all I know, I will encounter Howling II later in this process – as I've mentioned before, I don't peek ahead. It's possible that if I had seen Howling II, I would have been less confused by the beginning of Howling III. It's hardly possible I could have been more confused.
I knew I was in for something special right from the opening credits. Let’s start with the title. Ooh, scary! If there’s a subtitle less capable of striking fear in my heart than “The Marsupials,” I’m not sure what it would be. Howling III: The Fluffy Bunnies? Even that scares me more, but then again, I’ve seen Night of the Lepus. Then there’s this gem after the screenwriting credits: “Based on the novel by Gary Brandner.” Seriously? The Howling III is based on a novel? I looked it up at Amazon and it’s true, but if I am to believe the single customer comment, the movie is NOTHING like the book. Sigh, ’twas ever thus.
What is the movie like? Pretty freaky, actually. I don’t mean it’s actually frightening, and I certainly don’t mean it’s actually good, but I can’t say I was ever bored. We begin with an anthropologist showing footage his grandfather took in Cape York, Australia in 1905 of what appears to be a wolf-woman tied to a tree, being tortured by aborigines. “The mask on the woman is so realistic, we don’t know how they created it,” he claims. I don’t necessarily agree, but let’s not quibble. The action then shifts to Siberia for reasons that aren’t entirely clear to me, and then there are a few more seemingly random scenes that might make sense were I up to speed on the trilogy. I sort of doubt it, though; it’s almost as if every other scene was ripped out of the script in order to save money.
I do know that the bulk of the action takes place in Australia. I know this because the Sydney Opera House is in about seventeen different shots in the movie, so you know the makers really wanted to make it clear. There was a weird Aussie fetish going on in American pop culture in the ’80s – everything from Mad Max to Crocodile Dundee to Men at Work to that Jacko dude from the Energizer commercials. Anyone else remember this jackhole?
Anyway, Howling III is clearly trying to capitalize on the Down Under thunder, as it features a tribe of distinctly Mad Max-ish wolf people, one of whom is a hottie in the Rachel Hunter mode. At least, I thought she was a hottie until I saw her give birth to a slimy embryo and stuff it in her hairy pouch, and then suddenly I wasn’t so keen on her anymore. I guess the idea here is that a breed of Tasmanian wolf was killed off early in the 20th century, and in a quest for vengeance its spirit came into these people. Look, it doesn’t really matter. I could try to make some sense of the plot, but suffice it to say that the filmmakers are trying really, really hard to entertain you. There’s a bus full of werewolf nuns, a ballet dancer who turns werewolf in mid-performance, a were-skeleton that comes back to life, a leather-boy version of Alfred Hitchcock, a soundtrack full of synthpop power ballads that sound like Beverly Hills Cop rejects, and there’s even Dame Edna, years before her U.S. stardom. Maybe it’s just that as a child of the '80s, I’m hard-wired to be more susceptible to the junk of that era – but I know what I hate, and I don’t hate this.
Previously on Unwatchable:
94. Invasion of the Neptune Men
95. Marci X
96. Track of the Moon Beast
97. Bolero
98. Kickboxer 4: The Aggressor