Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.
The eagle-eyed and mathematically inclined among you may have noticed that we’ve skipped from #89 to #87 in our little survey of the shittiest. The reason is simple: #88 on the list is the 2008 Martin Lawrence comedy College Road Trip, which will not be released on DVD until next month. Since I somehow managed to miss its theatrical run, we'll catch up with it later. For now we’ll move on to 1969’s The Sidehackers, which proves to be a change of pace from the mutant insects and quicksand-ridden islands we’ve been dealing with lately.
What, you may ask, is a sidehacker? Well, silly, a sidehacker is one who sidehacks! And what is sidehacking? Apparently it’s a form of motorcycle racing that may or may not have actually existed at one point. It involves a metal bar and platform extending from the right side of a motorcycle, upon which a passenger rides. This passenger is responsible for leaning into turns and providing extra torque, if I am using the turn correctly. And if I’m not, who gives a crap, since I’m still not convinced sidehacking is or ever was a real thing. Granted, the opening credits give special thanks to the Southern California Side-Hack Association, but that group appears to be defunct at best, if my rudimentary research is any indication. If any current or former members of the Association would like to dispel my skepticism, feel free to post a comment. Anyway, Vince Rommel (gravel-throated biker movie stalwart Ross Hagen, a poor man’s Steve McQueen) is the king of the sidehacking, “a new and exciting sport filled with thrills and spills you’ve never seen before.” And after you’ve watched The Sidehackers, you still haven’t seen them, despite the copious footage on display. Many minutes of sidehacking are presented for our consideration, none of them exciting in any way.
It doesn’t matter much, because sidehacking virtually disappears from the movie once the plot machinations kick into gear. It seems that J.C. (Michael Pataki, who diligent Unwatchable fans may remember as Sgt. Ward from The Bat People and culture mavens everywhere will recall as George Liquor from Ren and Stimpy), a mincing, shiny-shirted biker, would like to recruit Rommel for his touring motorcycle act. Rommel isn’t interested in J.C.’s offer, nor does he comply with J.C.’s girlfriend Paisley’s desire for a roll in the hay. The jilted Paisley gets back at him by making J.C. believe that Rommel raped her. J.C. responds by raping and killing Rommel’s girl Rita. So I gather, anyway; I didn’t see this happen because The Sidehackers is one of those movies I couldn’t find in any form other than its Mystery Science Theater 3000 incarnation, which omits the crucial scene. Now, I can sort of understand this; it’s hard to have robots cracking wise over a rape-murder scene, although they don’t seem to have any problem later in the film when J.C. strangles Paisley to death. Again, though, the purity of the Unwatchable experiment has been tainted by these friggin’ robots.
The movie ends with a very 1969 showdown, in which Rommel shows mercy and lets J.C. live, and J.C. thanks him by shooting him in the back. Bummer, man.
Previously on Unwatchable:
89. Bloodlust!
90. The Bat People
91. Horrors of Spider Island
92. I Accuse My Parents
93. Howling III: The Marsupials